Bytes: FUNNY FRIDAY

---- 😊😊😊 -----

Hello Byters, the theme today is international humour, apologies for perpetuating any stereotypes.

Some items have been posted in Bytes previously.

Caution: risqué content ahead.

---- 😊😊😊 -----

SOME HUMOUR:

----------ooOoo----------

SCOTLAND:

A Texan is touring Europe and he ends up in a Scottish pub sitting across from an older Scotsman. As Texans tend to do, he starts bragging about how big everything is in Texas.

“Down on my ranch outside Dallas, I can walk out my front door at sunrise, get in my big ol’ Cadillac, start ‘er on up, put my boot flat down on the gas, and when the sun goes down, I still ain’t reached my front gates.”

The Scotsman takes a big swing of his stout, and says,

“Ach, aye. I had a car like that once, too!”

__________

I went into a Coffeehouse in Scotland and asked the guy in the counter: "Hey, can I please get a large latte with oat milk?"

Dazed and confused, he looked at me and said: "Sir, am sorry, we cannae make a latte withoot milk..."

----------ooOoo----------

AMERICA:

I'm American, and I'm fed up of people saying that America is the stupidest country in the world.

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

__________

What is the difference between Americans and the British?

Americans think 200 years is a long history, while the British think 200 miles is a long trip.

----------ooOoo----------

AUSTRALIA:

I recently visited Australia, it’s such a nasty, horrible place…

Everyone I met told me “go die”.

__________

An American walks into a pub in Australia...says ''I'll have a bud light.'' The bartender replies ''You're an American, right?'' The guy says ''How did you know, was it the beer or my accent?'' To which the bartender replies ''Neither, you're the fattest fuck I've ever seen in my life.''

----------ooOoo----------

DENMARK:

Why do Denmark, Norway, and Sweden put bar codes on the sides of their military ships?

So when they come in to port, they can just Scandinavian.

----------ooOoo----------

CZECHOSLOVAKIA:

What city is located right in the middle of Czechoslovakia?

Oslo

__________

Three people arrive at the Pearly Gates and are given an admission test by St Peter, to wit, spell LOVE, symbolising God’s love. The first two both spell correctly and are granted admission. The third, a woman, is told there is an admission test.

She responds: “Don’t start on me with that crap. I have had it with guys giving me a hard time. I’ve had to work twice as hard to get half as far as the men I worked with, put up with their arrogance and bullshit, I come up here and there’s some stupid test I have to pass. What is it?”

St Peter says “Spell Czechoslovakia.”

----------ooOoo----------

MEXICO:

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border.

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What happened?" asked his family.

"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

__________

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

----------ooOoo----------

ISRAEL:

A reporter goes to Israel to cover the fighting. She is looking for something emotional and positive and of human interest. Something like that guy in Sarajevo who risked his life to play the cello everyday in the town square.

In Jerusalem, she heard about an old Jew who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She goes to the Wailing Wall and there he is! She watches him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.

"Rebecca Smith, CNN News. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"

"For about 50 years."

"What do you pray for?"

"For peace between the Jews and the Arabs. For all the hatred to stop. For all of our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

----------ooOoo----------

GERMANY:

How many Germans do you need to change a lightbulb?

One, we are very efficient and not funny.

__________

You always claim Germans don't have humour,

but we have. It's just like healthcare. Most Americans don't get it.

----------ooOoo----------

FRANCE:

A German visits France and is stopped at immigration.

The French immigration agent asks, "Business or pleasure?"

The German replies, "Pleasure!"

The agent asks, "Occupation?"

The German replies, "Nein, Nein, just visiting!"

__________

Following is an anecdote, previously posted in Bytes, and of uncertain origin. It has been widely quoted and may be an urban myth, Snopes.com does not verify whether it is truth or fiction.

The exchange is frequently said to have taken place between Madame de Gaulle and British Prime Minister Harold Macmillan or his wife, Lady Dorothy Macmillan. One variant has Harold Macmillan, not understanding what Madame de Gaulle meant to say, "Well, yes, not much time for that now."

When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the American ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle.

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame de Gaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer . . . and no one knew what to say next.

Finally, Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe zee Americans pronounce zat word 'appiness.'"

----------ooOoo----------

ITALY:

Two Italian men get on a bus. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

----------ooOoo----------

THAILAND:

My new Thai girlfriend said "A small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship"

I still wish she didn't have one though.

----------ooOoo----------

WALES:

I was at a bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!" So I apologised and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

----------ooOoo----------

RUSSIA:

Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently.

When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said "No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

----------ooOoo----------

CHINA:

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China he engages in a fair bit of unprotected sex.

One week after returning home, he wakes up to discover that his manhood is covered in bright green and purple spots. Completely freaking out, the man goes to see a doctor. The doctor tells the man that he has never seen anything like this before and suggests that they run some tests. After the tests are completed, the doctor tells the man to come back in two weeks for the results.

The man returns two weeks later for the results of his test. The doctor says "I have some very bad news. You've contracted Mongolian VD, its very rare and almost unheard of in the west." The man, completely perplexed at the news he is hearing asks "So... do I just take some medicine for it?". "There is no known cure for Mongolian VD." replies the doctor, "We are going to need to amputate your penis.". The man, completely terrified screams "No way! I WANT A SECOND OPINION!!!" The doctor explains "That's your choice, you may go and get a second opinion, but your only option is surgery.".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, hoping that he may know more about the disease than a western doctor. The Chinese doctor examines the man’s penis and says " Ahhh, yes. Mongolian VD, very rare." The man says "Yeah yeah, I know, but what can you do about it? My American doctor wants to amputate my penis!". The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs "Stupid American doctor, always want to operate, make more money that way. No need for operation." "Oh thank god!" The man proclaims.

"Yeah" says the Chinese doctor "Faw off by self in two weeks.”

---- 😊😊😊 -----