Friday, May 6, 2016

Funny Friday





Today, some Dad and Dave humour and some bushie items.

Long before Crocodile Dundee and long before the Beverly Hillbillies, there was Dad and Dave from Snake Gully. Dad Rudd and his son Dave were characters in the Steele Rudd stories of On Our Selection, which in turn gave rise to a long running Australian radio drama series (the days before television) which finished in 1953 when one of the leads, George Edwards, died. Ken Hall turned Dad and Dave into films with Peter Finch playing Dave. There is also a 1995 flick, Dad and Dave On Our Selection, which features Leo McKern as Dad Rudd, Geoffrey Rush as Dave and Joan Sutherland as Ma Rudd.

Apart from the humour of life in the bush and of yokels visiting the city, Dad and Dave jokes are also often about Dave and his girlfriend Mabel.

Caution: some of the humour is risqué.

Dad and Dave were standing watching a dingo licking its privates. Dave said to Dad: 'Just between you and me, I've wanted to do that all my life.' Dad said: 'Go ahead, but I'd pat him a bit first. He looks pretty vicious to me.'

Because he and Mabel were going to live with Dad and Mum when they got married, Dave wanted Dad to build a new dunny* to replace the existing dilapidated one. Dad resisted the idea strongly.

‘It’s been good enough for Mum and me for all these years, so it’s good enough for you and Mabel.’

Dave was determined, so he fitted a fuse and a cap to a plug of gelignite, dropped it into the dunny and retreated behind a stump to watch. He had just made it to the stump when Dad came out of the kitchen and headed for the dunny. He rushed from behind the stump and yelled at Dad to save him from a disaster. Dad thought he was trying to beat him to the dunny and put his head down and ran faster.

‘You young blokes ain’t as good as yer think you are,’ he yelled. Dad got there first and had barely entered the building when up it went. Ka-boom. Dave rushed to Dad’s aid and extricated him from the wreckage.

‘Are you all right, Dad?’ he asked

‘I’m all right son, but stone the crows, yer mother would have been annoyed if I’d let that one go in the kitchen.’

*For the benefit of overseas readers, ‘dunny’ is slang for ‘toilet’

An old farmer was worried about his favourite bull. It was ignoring the cows. So he went to the vet and got some medicine. Next day he was telling a neighbour about it. 'I gave that Brahmin of mine one dose and within half an hour he had serviced eight cows.' 

'Blimey,’ said the neighbour, 'what's the stuff called?' 

'Well, the label’s come off the bottle,' said the farmer, ‘but it tastes like peppermint'. 

Dad and Dave went to the Royal Easter Show in Sydney and were very interested in the new tractors that were on display. One salesman demonstrated his machine and then offered them a deal.

'You can have this model for $10,000, and I'll take off 10 per cent for cash.' They went away to discuss the deal.

'What’s he mean by take orf 10 per cent cash?' asked Dad. 'How much would he take orf?' 

'Gees, I dunno, Dad,' replied Dave.

'Listen Dave, you're in pretty good with that barmaid at the pub where we're stayin' and she looks like a pretty smart sort of girl. How about you ask her?' So Dave approached the barmaid. 

'Tell me, Dulcie, if I gave you $10,000 less 10 per cent, how much would you take orf?' 

'Jesus, Dave!' she said, 'If you gave me $10,000 less 10 per cent, I'd take off everything bar me garters and you could use them for stirrups.’

Dave decided to take Mabel to the Snake Gully Café for lunch. Dave looked at the menu and said, "They've got sheep tongues on the menu, Mabel. I think I'll have that. What about you?" 

Mabel said, "No Dave, I couldn't eat anything that came out of an animal's mouth." 

"What would you like then, Mabel?” said Dave. 

Mabel said, "I think I'll have an egg."

A swagman* who had tramped many kilometres along a rough outback track came to a small pub called the "George and the Dragon". He made his way around to the back in search of a handout but before he had time to ask, the publican's wife came on the scene and gave the tramp the greatest verbal thrashing of his life. She called him a lazy good-for-nothing loafer and added if he was hoping to get even scraps from the kitchen, he could forget it. The tramp just stood there in silence. 

'Well,' she snapped impatiently, ' now what is it you want? '

'I was wonderin ', said the man, 'if I could have a word with George?'

* Swagman: a person who walked from place to place carrying his bedroll and belongings (his 'swag'), often an itinerant worker

And, for those who still want something different and visual . . . 

The secret wig farm of Donald Trump has been discovered on remote islands near the city of Tromso in Norway . . . 

Still don’t believe it, then look at the following pic . . . 

Nahh, that’s not true. 

It’s an indigenous species of grass that grows along the shores of those islands.

And, by way of a segue to Corn Corner . . .

Corn Corner:

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

* * * * * * * * * *
A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

* * * * * * * * * *
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

And a cheerio and get well soon wish to Kevin S and to my father in law Noel W, both recovering from being quite unwell.  Get well soon guys.

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