Friday, May 27, 2016

Good morning Byters.

Friday again, the end of the working week for most of us and the prelude to the weekend. And also time for some Friday Funnies. Enjoy.

A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall. 

“What’s wrong with him?” he asked his assistant. 

“He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn’t find any so I gave him an entire box of laxatives”. 

“You idiot” said the chemist. “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives”. 

“Of course you can,” the assistant replied. “Look at him . . . he daren’t cough now!!”

A BMW was driving very erratically through the streets of Melbourne when it attracted the attention of a cop car. They flashed the lights and hit the siren and got the car to stop. 

“Would you mind blowing into this bag?” the policeman said. 

“I can’t” said the driver. “I’m a chronic asthmatic”. 

“Well sir, accompanying us to the station for a blood test.” 

“Sorry officer, I’m a haemophiliac”. 

“Well sir, would you step out of your vehicle and walk along a straight line?” 

“No way. I’m too bloody pissed”.

Three lads were roaring around the backblocks of Queensland in a panel van. They were doing wheelies outside the Town Hall when the cops pulled them over. “Don’t give your real names”, hissed the driver.

A cop asked the bloke sitting in the middle his name. He saw a neon sign over the cop’s shoulder. “David Jones,” he replied.

Now the cop turned to the other passenger. “And what’s your name?”

“Aah, G J Coles.”

Now the cop circled the ute to the driver.

“Okay, name?”

“Aah, Ken.”

“Ken? Ken what? I suppose you’re Ken bloody Myer. What’s your last name?”

“Tucky Fried Chicken.”


A bloke crashes his single seater plane in the outback. Close to death from thirst and hunger after several days in the wilderness he comes across a stream and jumps in to take a drink. As he does this he steps on a platypus, killing it. After he drinks as much as he can he picks up the dead platypus, makes a fire and begins to cook it. 

While he is eating the platypus, a ranger rocks up and arrests him for killing an endangered species. 

In court he explains to the judge his harrowing tale of survival, going to great pains to describe his near death experience. He tells the judge that he was too weak to forage or hunt for food, seeing as though he was starving and that he had no faith that he would be rescued soon, decided to eat it to survive.

The judge is sympathetic, ruling the man was within his rights to survive by any means necessary, in this case, eating the endangered species through convenience. 

As the man was leaving, the judge asked, "Just out of curiousity, what does platypus taste like?"

“Well, Your Honour,” said the man, “it sort of tastes like a cross between a koala and a dolphin.”

Wycheproof has a train line going right through the middle of town. And right in the middle of the town there is a Town Hall where a council meeting is going hammer and tong. Suddenly the door opened and a man rushed in. “My mini-bus is stalled on the railroad tracks. I want to ask that it be moved.”

“I say move,” cried a voice from the back of the hall.

“I second it,” said another.

The Mayor banged his gavel and said, “You’ve heard the motion. All in favour say ‘aye’ “.

“Aye” came the chorus.

“So ordered. Now let’s get on with the other business that we were talking about.”

Corn Corner:
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There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

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My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

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What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

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I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.

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What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

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