A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250 000 miles. One day she told her problem to a friend who said “Okay. Here’s the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem selling your car.”
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the friend asked the blonde,
“Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied the blonde, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.”
A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant ...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow. 'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a candle for you,' he promises.
Time passes and the priest returns to the little town after 10 years. The first thing he does is visit the couple's home. He can hear a crazy loud noise when he knocks on the door. The wife opens the door; three little children on her arms, a couple of them hiding under her skirt, and others behind her playing around. The priest counts as many as ten of them!
'Well this is quite a pleasant surprise,' exclaims the priest. 'It seems like God listened to my prayer. But where is your dear husband?' 'My husband traveled to Rome,' says the wife with a tired look on her face.
'To Rome? Why on earth would he go to Rome?' 'To blow out that bloody candle you lit!'
A teenage girl brings home her boyfriend to meet her parents
Her parents are disgusted by the boyfriend's crazy haircut, excessive tattoos and piercings.
After dinner, the girl's mom tells her, "Honey, he doesn't seem to be a nice boy. Are you sure about this?"
"Oh please mom." the girl begged. "If he wasn't a nice person why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?
A doberman, a golden retriever and a cat enter the afterlife
God asks the golden retriever to tell him about himself, the dog says “I’ve been very loyal to my master.” God says ”That’s wonderful, why don’t you take the seat on my right.”
God asks the doberman to tell him about himself, the dog says “I’ve been a great protector of my whole family.” God says ”That’s great, why don’t you take the seat on my left.”
The cat walks in and says to God ”You're in my seat.”
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he had for a long time.
The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick replied "Come back, my son. Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
There once was a couple named Kelly
Who lived their life belly-to-belly.
It seems in their haste,
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.
Three things Christ promises he will never do:
He won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3):
He won't reject you (John 6:37);
He won't leave you, nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says “Does this taste funny to you?”
Two cannibals were eating Amy Schumer.
One says, 'Does this taste funny to you?'
The other one goes, 'No'.
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own faeces.
After that, we never played Monopoly again.
If anyone gets a message about canned meat, don’t open it. It’s spam.