A couple of seasonal jokes to mark the start of Autumn in Oz and Spring somewhere or other else . . .
Sent to me by John P, thanks John . . .
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become familiar with the new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick in my stomach." The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the waste bin. That was what probably was making her sick."
The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"
"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed.”
An old couple goes to their doctor.
After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December."
FROM THE VAULT:
It's late Autumn and the Indians on a remote reservation in North Dakota have asked their new Chief if the coming winter is going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a modern-day Chief he'd never actually been taught the old indian ways or their secrets, so when he looked at the sky, he just couldn't tell what the winter weather was going to be like. Nevertheless, in order not to disappoint the tribe and to be on the safe side, he told them that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that they should collect firewood and be prepared.
However, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”
“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold" they responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be better prepared. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again, “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?”
“Yes”, replied the man at National Weather Service this time, even more certain,“it's going to be a very, very cold winter.”
So the Chief went back to his people once again and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could lay their hands on.
Two weeks later, worried about the mountains of wood and the hard work the tribe was putting in collecting it, the chief called the National Weather Service just to be absolutely sure. "Are you definitely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely”, the weatherman said, “It's looking more and more like it's going to be one of the coldest winters on record.”
“But how can you be so certain?” the chief asked. "Well, for a start" the weatherman replied, “the Indians are collecting a firewood like crazy.”
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
There was a young lady from Ransom
Who was had seven times in a hansom.
When she cried out for more,
A voice from the floor
Said, "Lady, I’m Simpson, not Samson."
Farmer Joe decides to go down the road to visit his friend Eb. When he arrives at Eb's farm he hears music coming from Eb's barn. Going to take a look Joe finds Eb dancing naked around his John Deer!
Taking a step back Joe asks Eb what the heck he's doing?
Eb explains, "Well to be honest me and my woman's been having problems in the bedroom, so we went to see a sex therapist. I'm just doing what she suggested."
"Do something sexy to a tractor!"
I don't understand terms like mean, mode and median.
Is that normal?
When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat Is a warm toilet seat.
Got stopped by the police last night. They asked me if I had a police record.
I said yes, Walking On the Moon from 1979.