Good morning, good afternoon or good evening, readers, depending on where you might be located or domiciled.
Some good chucklers today, a couple of long ones so quality rather than quantity.
Enjoy but, as usual, a warning . . . risqué content follows. Extremely risque.
Byter David H emailed me a video of Dustin Hoffman telling a story on the Graham Norton show when they were both a lot younger. The story is one that I had heard previously in a different setting but this version is better, plus it is delivered superbly by Hoffman, an excellent story teller.
At the beginning of the video Hoffman explains that he is keeping the celebrity names to do homage to the story. Those celebrities, for the benefit of younger readers, are:
Ringo Starr, one of the Beatles
Omar Sharif, actor and 1960s sex symbol
Brigitte Bardot, actress and 1960s sex symbol
Click on the following link to watch the video:
For those who prefer the written version . . .
A flea goes into a travel agency and says “i’ve been working so hard for the last few years, i really need a holiday.”
The travel agent asks “What kind of holiday are you in the market for?”
The flea says “i want to go somewhere bright and sunny, somewhere that i can just relax and enjoy myself, don’t want to worry about anything.”
The travel agent says “Okay” and starts flipping through his catalogue book. After some research, the travel agent announces proudly “Okay, i can give you one week in Nice, in Ringo Starr‘s hair.”
So off the flea goes.
After 4 days the flea comes back to the travel agent.
The travel agent asks “What are you doing back here? Aren’t you supposed to be on holiday?”
The flea says “Oh, that was an awful holiday! He spends all his time indoors, he’s always banging on the drums, he never goes out, it’s noisy and smelly. He’s always shaking his head from side to head, i got a terrible migraine! I just want a nice relaxing holiday, you know, out in the sun. i want to relax!”
So the travel agent picks up another catalogue and does some flipping through. Suddenly he announces “Okay, i can give you one week in Monte Carlo, in Omar Sharif‘s moustache.”
So off the flea goes.
After 4 days, the flea comes back to the travel agent.
The travel agent asks “You’re back so soon? What was wrong with that holiday?”
The flea says “That holiday was even worse! He spends all his time in the casino gambling. And what’s worse, he smokes so much, all the smoke went up into his moustache, i got burnt from a bit of ash and cinders, it was smelly and ugh! it was no good, no good! i just want to relax! i want sunshine and sand and blue skies!”
So the travel agent picks up another catalogue and does some research. After a long period, he finally announces “Okay, we’ve had a cancellation, and this is perfect for you. i can give you one week in St Tropez, in Brigitte Bardot‘s muff.”
So off the flea goes.
After 4 days, the flea returns to the travel agent.
“What!!” the travel agent exclaims, completely flabberghasted. “What are you doing here?! What was wrong with that holiday?!”
“Oh nothing!” replies the flea. “It was lovely, she’s so lovely. She just lays out all day long in the beautiful sand, on the beach, she soaks up a lot of sun, she had this radio next to her playing this delightfully relaxing music… I had a wonderful time there, it was the best holiday i’ve had.”
Puzzled, the travel agent asks “Well if it was so great, what are you doing back here so early?”
The flea replies “You tell me! After 3 days, i found myself back in Omar Sharif’s moustache.”
Okay, I will give you the alternative version, which was posted in Funny Friday on December 13, 2013 at:
A flea walking down the street met his friend, who he hadn’t seen in a while, coming in the opposite direction. The first flea says “Erik, what is the matter with you? You look so gaunt, haggard and tired.” Erik says “Leif, I live in a Viking’s beard. I’m always out in the cold and wind aboard ship on the North Sea. There’s ice and freezing temperatures, I’m always wet and if we’re not on the water we’re on land fighting and pillaging. How do you remain looking so sleek and fat?”
Leif replies “I live in a maiden’s crotch where it’s always comfortable and warm. You should find yourself a place like that, you wouldn’t know yourself after a couple of weeks.”
“I will,” said Erik.
A few months later Leif meets Erik again and is shocked that Erik looks even more gaunt and haggard than the last time. “What has happened?” he asks. “I thought you were going to find a nice warm spot in a female crotch.”
“I did,” replies Erik. “I found myself an attractive young woman and made my way there and went to sleep. I really needed that sleep, so warm, so relaxing. Then I woke up and I was back in the Viking’s beard.”
Another lengthy one, sent by Vince C. Thanks Vince.
Men Are Just Happier People!
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Two pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!
If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba, and Wild man.
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed
Women somehow deteriorate during the night
A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY.
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
FROM THE VAULT:
One of my favourites:
In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get fucked."
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
Something different this week.
Last week I posted this cartoon:
There are variations on those opening lines as shown in the cartoon but here are some of the more common ones (some previously posted in Bytes) . . .
Old man from Nantucket:
The earliest published version of that opening line is from 1902:
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
It has given rise to many ribald versions because of the potential rhymes with Nantucket, perhaps the most famous (but crude) one being:
There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear was a cunt I would fuck it."
Young maiden from Kent:
There was a young maiden of Kent,
Who admitted she knew what it meant
When men asked her to dine,
And plied her with wine,
She knew, oh she knew -- but she went!
Young fellow named Drew:
There was a young fellow named Drew
Who found an old shoe in his stew.
The waiter said, “Lout,
Don’t wave it about,
Or the others will want a shoe, too.”
An alternate version is:
A lady, while dining in Crewe,
Found an elephant's wang in her stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout
Or wave it about
Or the others will be wanting one, too."
Old lady from Cork:
There was an old lady from Cork
Who liked to eat shit with a fork.
Her son said, 'You goon!
'You eat shit with a spoon!
‘It’s pork that you eat with a fork!’
The not so royal family deciding if Archie will get a title or not:
Man: Judge, I want to contest 80% of my parking tickets.
Judge: Repeat infractions?
Man: Ok. I want to contest 4/5 of my parking tickets.
My girlfriend broke up with me for being too “un-American”
I saw it coming from a kilometre away.
Before the surgery, the anaesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle...
It was an ether/oar situation.
From John P:
Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best:
The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance.
The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength; none in the forest dared to challenge him.
The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature.
As the trio debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all: hawk, lion and stinker!