End of the week and time for a bit levity, laughter and . . . jocularity . . . (okay, I admit it, I ran out of “L” words).
As usual, a few risqué ones follow.
Stay well readers.
For his son's birthday, Dad buys him a bass guitar and pays for 5 lessons.
After the first lesson, the boy gets home and Dad asks "What did you learn today?"
"I learned the first 5 notes on the E string." the son says proudly.
After the second lesson, the dad asks "What did you learn this time?"
"I learned the first 5 notes on the A string." the boy says.
After the third lesson, the Dad waits at home for what seems like hours. Around 2am, the son finally comes home, smelling of whiskey and cigarettes.
"Where the hell have you been?" Dad demands.
"Sorry dad, I had a gig!"
(One reader commented in response to where I saw the joke posted: “As a bass player I take offence to this. Not because we don’t do this but because i was excited to learn what the names of the other two strings were.)
A father and his young son go to a restaurant.
A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...
The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.
A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Tax Office.”
A genie gave me a choice: a longer memory or a longer penis...
I forget which one I chose
A large corporation hires a tribe of cannibals and they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."
Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the tribe into his office. The CEO says:
"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"
The chief of the tribe checks with his people and says: "No sir, we have not eaten anybody. It must be a coincidence."
The CEO is skeptical but he has no evidence so he dismisses the tribe.
Once they are away from the other employees, the chief turns to his tribe and asks: "Okay, which one of you idiots did it?"
A tribesman sheepishly puts up his hands and admits: "I ate a secretary."
The chief smacks the tribesman and yells:
"You fool! We've been eating middle management for weeks and nobody has noticed. Then you had to go and eat someone that does actual work!"
Fred came home from University in tears. "Mum, am I adopted?"
"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?
Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.
Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son."
"Well, obviously!" he replied.
"What do you mean?"
"It was your idea in the first place" her husband continued. "You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him."
"I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred."
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.
As he passed raging fire pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
'That's unfair!' he cried. 'I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.'
'Shut up,' barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.
'Who are you to question that woman's punishment?'
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
From guest contributor John P, thanks John . . .
A lady dressed up in her finery
Had too much to drink at a winery,
Then snapped her suspender,
Which stuffed up her gender,
And now she/they/them are non-binary.
What flows through Ukraine and doesn't care about your feelings?
"Doctor, I think I'm going deaf."
Doctor said, "Describe the symptoms."
"Well, Homer is bald, Marge has blue hair..."
Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume knob stuck on full."
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
At a job interview: "Can you perform under pressure?"
"No ,but I can try Bohemian Rhapsody!: