Saturday, May 8, 2021

FUNNY SATURDAY

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Hello Byters.

My apologies that Funny Friday did not go out yesterday, there was an internet outage in my area that prevented me posting it and thereby having the blog send it out to subscribers.  

Still, better late than not at all . . .

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A cautionary warning that there is a fair bit of risquรฉ content ahead, so venture forward at your own risk of being offended, dear readers . . .

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Also, last week I told the story in Funny Friday of son Thomas being sent 2 lucky rabbit's feet in 2008 by a client (now deceased), one for Thomas himself and one for a friend, as it said in the letter which enclosed them.  They were in the mail box over the Christmas holidays whilst the office was closed, when temperatures are very high at that time of the year.

One problem: the rabbit's feet were real.

He was serious.

I posted the pic of the feet but overlooked including the pic of son Thomas, so here are both pics . . .





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SOME HUMOUR:
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This one’s for Joe and Grace . . .

Three men walk into a bar. One works for Budweiser, one works for Corona, and one works for Guinness.

"What would you like?" the bartender asks the Budweiser worker.

"I'll have a Budweiser," says the Budweiser worker.

"And you?" the bartender asks the Corona worker.

"I'll have a Corona," responds the Corona worker.

"Let me guess," the bartender says to the Guinness worker, "you'd like a Guinness?"

"No thank you," comes the reply. "I'll just have some water."

"Water?" The bartender is taken aback. "Why not Guinness?"

"Because," says the Guinness worker, "if the other two aren't gonna have beer, I'm not gonna have it either."
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A salesman rings the doorbell on a house and the door is opened by a 12 year old, holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar.

The salesman is a bit stunned but plows forward and asks, "Is your Dad home?"

The kid replies, "What the fuck do you think?"
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Bill Gates sends Melinda an email after the divorce.

"Let’s get married again” he writes.

“What do you mean?” she replies on MSN. “We just got divorced! You said the marriage wasn’t working! Why would you want to start everything up again?”

“That’s always worked before” he says.
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I walked by the house I grew up in and when an elderly couple answered my knock, I told them I grew up in this house and asked if I could have a look around for old time sake.

They told me to, 'Fuck off' and slammed the door in my face.”

My parents can be so rude.

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FROM THE VAULT:

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home ... and left it there all night.

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

There was a young lady of Michigan,
Who said, "Damn it! I've got the itch again."
Said her mother, "That's strange,
I'm surprised it ain't mange,
If you've slept with that son-of-a-bitch again."

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LAW SPOT:

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, it wants to cluck defiance.

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GALLERY:





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CORN CORNER:
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I was on a date with a girl who called me shallow.

I was like “Yeah, but only on the surface.”
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When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing.”
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Tonight we’re having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner.

We found himalayan in the road.
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A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?"

"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three-fourths', and 2/5 is 'two-fifths'."

"Thanks, I understand, "said the exchange student.

"Good," said the teacher, and then asked the student, "so how do you say 4/8?"

"Should I reduce?" asked the boy.

"That would be best," said the teacher.

"One-second," said the boy.

"Take as long as you need," said the teacher.
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This one's for you, Noel . . .

Bad news: An undelivered letter in German sent 110 years ago has just been found.

Worse news: It was an acceptance letter by an art school in Vienna.

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