Apologies for Funny Friday being posted on Saturday, readers, a computer glitch prevented me posting yesterday.
This was supposed to have been posted yesterday . . .
Good times are ahead, readers, they are called Saturday and Sunday, so here's some laughs to get prepped for the weekend.
As usual, a caution that risque content follows.
A guy got chatting to a girl in a club. "Can I buy you a drink?" he asked.
"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends."
He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please."
One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While he was putting his clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed. Can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
He said, "My wife found out."
It was the first anniversary of my relationship with my girlfriend yesterday.
Being the sort of person I am, I arranged for a fancy car to arrive outside at 7pm sharp, a lovely meal at a fine restaurant and a walk by the moonlit pier followed by a night of wine and intense passion.
Ever the nit-picker, I awoke to an earful from my girlfriend because as usual there’s one little detail she insists I got wrong.
Apparently she thinks it would’ve been nice if we’d have done it together.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"I recently entered a competition to see who gained the most weight and lost the most hair," he tells the bartender. "
What the heck? Why?" the bartender asks.
"Oh, they didn't call it that," the guy replies. "It was advertised as 'high school class reunion,'"
There is a factory that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 is there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begin to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
“I’m sorry,” he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “But I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.”
“Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel
Who said, "They can all go to hell!
What they do to my wife---
Why it ruins my life;
And the worst is, they all do it well."
Worth another airing in the current news context . . .
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
I invented a new word
If you find a bomb that blows up when stepped on, please let me know.
Did you hear about the new virus called the Peekaboo virus?
They recommend that if you get it, go straight to the ICU.