My father in law, Noel, relayed an item that he thought might be suitable for a Funny Friday post. Noel sets the bar high in both humour and class. I have revised the joke to make it printable (as I have also done with a couple of the ones below). It is the first of the following items and it also sets the theme for this week’s Funny Friday: thermometers. . .
A redneck comes home unexpectedly and finds the doctor in bed with is wife. “What do you think you’re doin’, Doc?” he asks. “I’m, er, taking your wife’s temperature,” replied the doctor. “Well, I don’t know much about doctorin’,” said the redneck as he took his shotgun from the wall, “but that thing better have numbers on it when you take it out.”
A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. Whilst there, he was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.”No, I’m sorry”, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can’t use an oral theremometer.”
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room.
“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?”
After a pause, the doctor replies, “Yes, but never with a daffodil!”
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realise that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside."
"I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone was still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it...half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. and believe me, Mister, I TOLD HER! “
A is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.
He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the day’s activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?
He removes the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims: "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"