Some Jewish humour, for my friend Sam . . .
Sam is a nice young man who has fallen in love with a girl he has just met.
When Sam tells his father about her, the father just wants to know her family name. When Sam tells him that the girl's name is Ford, his father says that Ford is not a good Jewish name and he must forget her and go find a Jewish girl.
Time passes and Sam finds another girl. Her name is Smith so his father tells him to find a nice Jewish girl with a nice Jewish name.
More time passes and Sam finds another girl, but this time he is sure that he has solved the problem because the girl's name is Goldberg. "Goldberg," exclaims his father, "this makes me very happy because it's a real good Jewish name, and from a good established family."
Then his father asks, "Is her first name one of my favourite names, like Rachael, or Rebecca?"
"No Father," replies Sam, "It's Whoopi."
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said "Well, I eat Jewish rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Jewish rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it . Would you like some?"
He said, "Yes, I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this stuff but me."
Mrs Goldstein finds that she has only six months to live. She calls the rabbi to visit her and tells him that she would like to learn Hebrew before she departs this life. “Why, Mrs Goldstein?” he asks. “That doesn’t matter,” she says, “Please just find me a teacher.”
He does so and is amazed at how hard she studies and how quickly she progresses. One day he says to her “Mrs Goldstein, please tell me, with only a short time left, why do you now want to learn Hebrew?”
“Because,” she says, “when I die and go to Heaven, I want to be able to speak to God in His native tongue.”
“But what if you go to the other place?” he asks.
“It doesn’t matter,” she replies, “I can already speak Hungarian.”
There's big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the foetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.