Friday, December 11, 2020

FUNNY FRIDAY

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As the countdown to Christmas continues, one would be forgiven for not realising that it i9s the Christmas season. Has anyone else here in Sydney noticed the lack of Christmas lights, community displays and public decorations? 

Perhaps it will change as Christmas gets closer. 

Or maybe it is just in my local area.

Does COVID have a role in this? 

Or is Christmas dying out? 

Let’s see what happens. 

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SOME HUMOUR: 

For those of you who are placing Christmas lights / decorations in your garden, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together? 

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack. I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive. It's just too much drama, even for Christmas. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding. 
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A woman gets cheated by her husband. Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She heard that there's a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decided to go there to consult him. 

After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me with a young woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do." 

The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. 

After she finishes eating, he ask, "Is the cookie delicious?" 

"Yes," she answers. 

"Do you want another one?" 

"Sure, please." 

The monk looks her in the eyes and said, "Do you see the problem now?" 

The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speak, "I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that." 

The monk shakes his head, "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less." 
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New Zealanders Trevor and Jeanette are walking down a street in Bondi in Sydney. 

Trevor happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said "Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair". 

Trevor says to his pal, "Jeanette, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to In Zid, we could make a fortune". 

"Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Jist lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my bist Aussie ixcint."' 

‘No worries’, smiled Jeanette, ‘I'll keep my mouth shut.' 

They go in and Trevor says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck and...' 

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand, aren't you?' 

'Well... Yis,' says a surprised Trevor. 'How the hill dud you know thet?' 

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners!' 

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FROM THE VAULT: 

I was standing next to this fellow in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings. He was getting dry so he put it on loudspeaker. 

MAN: "Hello" 

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?" 

MAN: "Yes" 

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat. It' s only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" 

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much." 

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2021 models. I saw one I really liked." 

MAN: "How much?" 

WOMAN: "$200,000" 

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." 

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking 2 million.” 

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of two million dollars. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra one hundred thousand. 

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!" 

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." 

The man hangs up. 

The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?" 

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK: 

By moi . . .

“I’m staying” is The Donald’s advice 
But what Rudy did I find nice – 
'Cos in the Old Dart 
The word “trump” means a fart 
And Rudy expelled a trump twice. 

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GALLERY: 





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CORN CORNER: 
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Three men were on a boat. All together, they had four cigarettes; However, no one brought any matches. 

They threw one cigarette overboard, which caused the whole boat to become a cigarette lighter. 
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Why did Bilbo Baggins live so long? 

Because old hobbits die hard. 
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To the guy who stole my anti-depressants 

I hope you’re happy. 
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Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I" 

Bobby: I is... 

Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is". 

Bobby: I am the 9th letter of the alphabet. 
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Here are some of my favourite ones: 

One, uno, eins, un . . . 
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You can count on me. 

That’s what friends are 1,2,3,4 
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Do you hate it when people answer their own questions? 

I do! 

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