This is the last Funny Friday before Christmas Day, dear readers, so feel free to have a smile, a chuckle, perhaps even a good belly laugh. Charlie Chaplin once said “A day without laughter is a day wasted” so let’s not waste this day.
As usual, a warning that some risqué content follows.
What do Trump and a Christmas tree have in common ?
They both get thrown out in January.
A student arrived home from school and his mum asked him how the test went.
He said it was easy but one question held him up. The mother asked what the question was. " They asked what the past tense of think was" the boy answered. "So what did you write?" the mother asked.
"I thought and thought and thought until I finally wrote 'thinked'" the boy replied.
A woman marries a man and has 3 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 3 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has 3 more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 3 more children...
The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.
At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"
A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”
The man on his left says, “I think he means her legs.”
A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
“Fifty bucks,” she says.
He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.
They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them— it’s a policeman.
“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.
“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”
“Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”
FROM THE VAULT:
Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station to get petrol.
At the counter an attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware of who he is. . .
"Top o' the mornin to ya".
As Tiger takes his bundle of cash out of his pocket and puts it on the counter, some tees fall out.
"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.
"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything!"
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $200 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna.
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $196, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office !
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
A sailor who slept in the sun
Took a nap with his zipper undone.
He awoke with a smile
And said "Look, a sundial!
And it's now a quarter past one!"
Say what you want about deaf people.
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
A man walked into the doctor's. The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'.
The man replied, 'I know, I've been ill'.
When Mozart died, you could hear his music playing backwards at his grave.
He was decomposing.
99.9% of the population is dumb.
Fortunately I belong to the 1% of smart people.