Caution: risque content ahead.
My new girlfriend told me that I was the worst she has ever had in bed.
How could she make that judgement in 30 seconds ?
Two pilots are dead and brave passengers break down the door to take control of the plane.
They get on to air traffic control who guide them….
“Ok stay calm…now do you see those 3 switches located on main panel?”
“Ok make sure they are all switched to ‘on’”
Passengers are sweating with panic…
“You see the dial above the copilot’s head?”
“Make sure it is rotated 90 degrees clockwise”
The passengers follow the order ….
“Ok it’s done!!!!”
More instructions from Air Traffic Control…
“Now the blue button on the lefthand panel…make sure that is engaged”
“Ok, ok I think it’s done” sweats the passenger
“Good. Now slide the red lever 50% northwards”
The passengers are in a state of flux but coping….
After 5 or 6 minutes of intense conversation and instructions, air traffic control declare…
“Ok, I think we’re going to be ok……
……you’re all clear to take off”
What is similar to windows but can instantly detect the cause of most common computer-problems?
Someone told me there was caffeine in chocolate
If that’s true, then why has my dog been asleep for so long, huh?
A wealthy woman moves to America from France. She buys a large house and plans on having a large house-warming party with many distinguished guests. For the event she hires a famous artist to paint a mural to depict a moment in American history. She decides on General Custer’s last stand against the Indians. The mural is to depict what the American general was thinking the moment of his last battle.
He works feverishly on the painting and on the night of her party, his mural in the centre of the main wall in the large room with all the guests, with a cloth covering it. When the time for the unveiling finally arrives, everyone wataches as the cloth is dropped.
The guests gasp and scream when they see what is revealed. There are Indians having sex in every possible position, and even more bizarre is a large fish in the centre of all the Indians with a halo over its head.
The French woman screams to the artist, "What is this? This is not what I asked for!"
He replies, "Yes, it is. You asked me to depict what Custer was thinking during his last moments on earth. That was 'Holy Mackerel, look at all those fucking Indians!"
LAW & LAWYERS
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realises the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied... "Divorce Attorney."
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
There was an old girl of Kilkenny
Whose usual charge was a penny.
For half of that sum
You could fondle her bum --
A source of amusement to many.
Some mime humour . . .
Back in the 1800's, cowboys hung lanterns from their saddles at night,
It's the first example of Saddle Light Navigation...
English is weird
It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?