Having had a Federal election last weekend that saw a change of Government and a change of Prime Minister, it seems appropriate to throw in a few jokes about politics and politicians. Most of those items seem to focus on lying and dishonesty, which illustrates the esteem in which the population holds a lot of our elected representatives.
Having said that, I believe Anthony Albanese, the new PM, to be a decent and sincere man. This has been recounted to me as well by shopkeepers whose local shops he visits and uses. Kate and I live only a few minutes from his home in Marrickville, no mcmansion for Albo . . .
Albo heads off from home on Monday morning after last Saturday’s election
Caution: risque content ahead
What do you get it you ask a politician to tell 'the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth'?
3 different answers
A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.
"So, you're a politician..."
"Well, yes, is that a problem?"
"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"
"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell?!" says the politician. "Those are the rules," replies St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy disappears. He awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right?
"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!" Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks.
"Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!"
"Wait, this is Hell? But... Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks.
Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit misrepresented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..."
Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course.
"It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question.
So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cheerily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him.
Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked. As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging bread sticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After hours of passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep... and is woken up by St Peter.
"So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then," says St Peter. "You can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on."
"Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell," says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.
The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???"
"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted."
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road, and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a politician. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The politician replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."
A woman is shopping in the produce department. She approaches the clerk. “Excuse me, but where is the broccoli?” she asks. He says, “Sorry, we are out of broccoli. Come back tomorrow.”
The woman continues shopping, but approaches the clerk again a few minutes later. “I need broccoli. Where is it?” “Ma’am,” the clerk says, “we are out of broccoli. Come back tomorrow.” The woman seems to understand. But ten minutes go by and she is back. “Where is the broccoli?” Once again, the clerk tells her that they are fresh out of broccoli and to come back in the morning.
The clerk continues stocking the shelves, but soon the woman is back. “ I can’t find the broccoli,” she says. The clerk asks the woman “Excuse me, but could you tell me how to spell dog, like dogmatic?” “D O G”, the woman says. “What about cat, like catastrophe?” “ You spell it C A T.” “Very good,” the clerk says. “What about fuck, like in broccoli?” “There is no fuck in broccoli,” the woman says.
“Exactly,” says the clerk.
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
He fought to the end, did ScoMo,
The people voted and said “No,
Enough is enough,
So pack up your stuff
It’s time to give Albo a go."
Judy entered a church.
She was wearing a seethrough blouse and no bra.
"You can't come into this church dressed like that!" exclaimed the priest.
"But I have a divine right!" replied Judy.
"You have a divine left too, but you still can't come in dressed like that!"
God had nearly finished making Adam and Eve. "Well you two, just one last thing, one of you will be able to piss standing up.....and"
"Me, me, me...please can I do that" Adam cried.
"Fine. That leaves Eve with multiple orgasms"
I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating politicians
I was literally in my office doing nothing...
What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?
The letter "F".
A man walks into a confessional.
Father all day I hear a voice telling me what I have to do. Do you think that I am possessed by the devil?
No son, you are married!!
Don’t you just hate it when people answer their own questions?
I do. Can’t stand it
My doctor said he needed a stool sample
So I went to Ikea and bought a stool