Friday, January 22, 2021

Funny Friday

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Well, we've gone from Maga to Gaga, yesterday's the past, tomorrow's the future, but today is a gift. That's why it's called the present.  So here is some present humour. . . 

Caution: there is some risque content in the present ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR: 

A little boy answered the phone one day. The caller, surprised to hear the young voice says, "Hi, is your mommy or daddy home?". 

"Mommy is busy." 

"Okay, is your daddy home?" The caller asks. 

"No, daddy is busy." 

"Okay,," says the caller. "Is anyone else there?" 

"The police." 

"Oh my, may I talk to one of the police officers?" 

"They're busy." 

"Okay. Is anyone else home?" 

"The firefighters." 

"May I speak to one of the firefighters?" 

"No," says the boy. "They are busy." 

"My," says the caller. "What is everyone doing?" 

"They're looking for me." 

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Supposedly a true story . . . 

After John Kennedy was elected President, an acquaintance from his younger days sent a number of messages to the White House asking Kennedy to stop in at his Brooklyn barber shop and say hello. The messages were quite earnest. 

On one occasion when Kennedy’s motorcade was passing through Brooklyn,. The President realized that the man’s barber shop was nearby. The President directed the motorcade to stop at the barber shop where he exited the vehicle and entered, saying hello to his friend. 

The friend looked up from the head of hair he was cutting and said to the President: “Jack. Jack. Not now. I’m working.” 

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The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will. 

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. 

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide. 

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do. 

But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter. 

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since. 

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During WW 2 a Soviet Party member is walking through Red Square when he hears a man shout “Down with the tyrant and his stupid moustache.” 

Immediately the party member drags the man to Stalin and explains what he said. 

Stalin, furious asks “Why did you say that?” The man replies he was talking about Hitler. Stalin listens and decides the man is telling the truth. He agrees with his sentiments and sends the man on his way. 

The party member is about to go as well but is stopped by Stalin and asked: "Tell me, comrade, which tyrant with a stupid moustache were you thinking of when you dragged the man here?" 

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FROM THE VAULT: 

A woman was playing a round of golf when a bee stung her. 

Fearing an allergic reaction she ran to the clubhouse and told the pro that she had been stung. 

He asked where and she said between the first and second holes. 

He replied "your stance is too wide". 

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK: 

There was a young fellow called Bliss 
Whose love life was sadly amiss.
On night flights with Venus 
His recalcitrant penis 
Would seldom do better than 
  h 
    i 
     s 
      . 

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GALLERY: 

 



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CORN CORNER: 

Guess who I bumped into on the way to the eye doctor? 

Everyone. 

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Elton John has bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit. 

It's a little fit bunny. 

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On the eve after Joe Biden's inauguration, prominent members of the previous Democrat administrations have a Zoom call to toast the end of the Trump presidency. 

Among other topics, conversation turns to Amazon and Google's targeted marketing and the methods they employ. To lighten the mood, Bill Clinton suggests that he and his former vice-president have an impromptu jam session for everyone on saxophone and bongos respectively, something they secretly did at times of stress back in the day. 

The next morning, while nursing a slight hangover, Barack Obama checks YouTube while he waits for his coffee to brew. To his surprise, given the previous evening's conversation, his suggestions screen is swamped with saxophone jazz videos. 

Astonished, he says to Michelle: "How does YouTube know to show me these things?' 

She thinks for a second and says: 

'Must be the Al Gore rhythm.' 

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