Enjoy today's interlude of humour, readers, take a time out for a laugh . . . but be warned, there is risque content ahead.
Pat the Irish immigrant died in a freak mining accident leaving Kathleen, his young wife, near mad with grief. After the burial, Kathleen's mother drew her aside, and took her in her arms, and rocked her as she wept, and tried to comfort her:
"But think on what a grand man he was, Kathleen! Weren't they all saying at the wake as that Pat was a miner without equal, quick with a pick and tireless at the coal face?"
"Oh, aye!" wailed Kathleen. "That he was, that he was!"
"And a loving patriarch to his eight children? And the possessor of the third sweetest baritone in the state?"
"Aye, oh aye," the widow sobbed. "That he was! That he was!"
"But tell me true now, Kathleen," whispered her mother, in a suddenly conspiratorial tone. "Was there any substance in what I heard a few boys at the funeral whisper? That Pat was...*Ku Klux Klan?*"
Kathleen, poor girl, looked up at her mother in innocent confusion. "Ku-? Mother, what does Ku Cluck Klan mean?"
Ku *Klux* Klan, daughter! It means the devil himself beneath the sheets!"
Kathleen blushed violently.
"Oh aye," she murmured, smiling slow. "That he was...that he was."
The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.
The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation. After much debate and research they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the Pope. The Pope informs them that he needs a day to pray about it.
The next day the Pope summons his advisors and has the room sealed.
"My sons, after much prayerful consideration I have an answer. I have decided that you shall arrange for this most unusual treatment to preserve my life, for the good of the church, but on three conditions."
"What are the conditions, Your Holiness?"
"First, the woman that you choose must be blind. For if she sees that she is with the Pope, she may either get sense of self-importance as the only woman to ever bed a Pope, or she may lose her faith in the sanctity of my station. She must be blind."
"It will be so, what about the next condition?"
"For the same reason, she must also be deaf. While I try to be a righteous man, I am a man and as such I may cry out in pleasure during the act. She must not know that she is with the Pope, so she must be deaf."
"Very wise, it will be done. What is the third condition?"
" Big tits "
Friendship: A Male and Female Perspective –
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
What’s the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?
The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, “Sign here please.”
A man wakes up the mental ward.
Relax, sir, you've just had ECT.
Electrical shock therapy. After a shock to the brain, you have temporary partial memory loss. Patients often forget about the things that cause them stress and tension, allowing to them to relax and get better.
Now that you're awake, I'll call your wife in...
FROM THE VAULT:
In 1983 Australia won the America’s Cup and Bob Hawke, the Prime Minister, famously declared that any boss who sacked an employee for not turning up at work was a “bum”, see photo below.
Fast forward 30 years to 2013 and Bob Hawke is at a celebratory reunion of winning skipper John Bertrand and syndicate owner Alan Bond. Whilst on stage with them, wearing the jacket that he wore at the time of the win, Hawkie decided to tell a joke and dropped the F-bomb during the live broadcast.
See the moment by clicking on:
Those who prefer to tread it . . .
A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Australian were hiking through some remote mountains.
The weather was oppressively hot when they saw this beautiful lake. They ran down to the lake, stripped off and swam in the wonderfully cool water.
Natives appeared on the shore and captured them and took them before the Chief.
"Lake is our most sacred site. You have violated sacred site and must die. When you dead, we skin you and use skin to make canoe. Place canoe on lake to remind visitors not to infringe on sacred site. You have one last wish before you die."
The Frenchman says, "I would like a knife."
He receives the knife and calls out, "I would rather kill myself than die at the hands of you savages!" He then quickly slashes his throat and dies.
The Englishman says, "I too would like a knife." When he receives the knife, he calls out, "Like my friend from across the channel, I too would rather kill myself than die at the hands of you savages! God save the Queen!" He also slashes his throat and dies.
"What about you?", they ask the Aussie.
" I want a fork".
They hand him the fork and he jabs it into himself all over his torso.
"There goes your fucking canoe!"
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
There was a young lady named Maude
A terrible society fraud:
In company, I'm told
She was awfully cold.
But if you got her alone, Oh My God!
A ten-year-old boy called his school office and disguised his voice.
Speaking with as much baritone as he could muster he said, "Timmy Smith is very sick and he can't come to school today." The school secretary said, "I'm sorry to hear that. Who is this?" and the boy said, "This is my Dad."
I was told by a female friend that I was being sexist and should look at things from a woman's perspective more often.
But I can't see very much from my kitchen window
Relationships are like algebra.
You look at your x and wonder y.
Never let anyone tell you what you can or cannot do
Just look at Beethoven, everyone told him he would never be a musician, just because he was deaf. But did he listen?
My friend David lost his ID
Now we just call him Dav