Tomorrow being Good Friday, Funny Friday is moved forward to today.
Is that alright with you, buddy? . . .
Warning: risque content ahead.
Alright guys, the Suez Canal jokes are getting a bit old now.
That ship has sailed.
My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”
A gorgeous blonde woman steps out of a taxi, banging her head quite hard against the door frame.
As she stands holding her hand to her scalp, a gentleman, who'd seen it happen, approaches and asks, "Excuse me Miss, is your head okay?!"
The blonde replies, "Well, I haven't had any recent complaints."
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully, he said.
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
FROM THE VAULT:
More a visual one but worth including, from the 2009 road movie Charlie and Boots, Paul Hogan as Charlie talking to his son, nicknamed Boots:
To see the clip, click on:
As told by Paul Hogan in the movie . . .
So one day God was sitting around in Heaven on his Lay-Z-Boy recliner. Well, he can if he wants to - he's God.
And he saw his son come in and he said, "Jesus, lad, over here." He said, "I've been looking down at Earth and it's a terrible mess. I'm gonna have to send you down there to straighten them out."
And Jesus said, "My pleasure, Dad."
"There's a bit of a drawback, though, " he said. "I'm gonna have to send you as a human being. You'll be mortal and I'm afraid you're gonna have to die for their sins."
Jesus says, "Ohhh, you know, OK, your wish is my command.”
He said, "Look, son, the best thing I can do, though, is I can give you a choice in how you're gonna die. You can either be crucified or you can be stung to death by killer bees”
And that's the reason that all over the world today, Christians make the sign of the cross (makes the sign of the cross). and not...
(gesticulates with both arms and hands as though wildly trying to wave away bees).
Old man Cohen is getting along in years. He decides to retire and let his 3 sons run the company, which manufactures a wide variety of nails. The sons think that they can increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising.
A week later the old man is taking his usual Sunday drive in the country when he sees a huge billboard ad with a picture of Christ on the Cross. The caption reads "Nails for Every Purpose. Use Cohen’s Nails."
The old man immediately meets with his 3 sons to voice his concern. He tells them that the backlash could be horrendous and that he wants to see no further ads showing Christ crucified. The sons agree to do so.
A week later the old man is again taking his usual Sunday drive when he sees a billboard with a picture of the same cross, empty. The caption reads “If they had used Cohen’s Nails, He would still be there.”
In the same vein . . .
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
Also from the vault, but appropriate for Easter:
There was a young lady named Alice
Who peed in a Catholic chalice.
'Twas the common belief
It was done for relief,
And not out of Protestant malice.
What do you do with a drunken sailor?
What do you do with a drunken sailor?
What do you do with a drunken sailor,
Early in the morning?
Don't let him drive that cargo freighter.
Don't let him steer that cargo freighter.
Don't let him near that cargo freighter,
Early in the morning.
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband....
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!’
For her birthday I bought my wife new beads for her abacus.
It's the little things that count.