Some humour for the end of the week and, as usual, a caution that there is risqué content ahead.
This week they're all short jokes and items.
Stay safe, readers.
I hate ladders, my father fell off one and died, I'll never forget his last words,
"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit"
I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit?
I said no.
Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.
The worst thing about this pandemic is all the restaurants apparently using lower quality ingredients to save money.
I'll keep eating out every day, but I haven't been able to taste anything for weeks.
Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book.
Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.
I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia.
She leaned over and whispered, "They're right behind you. . ."
Don't give me excuses, I wrote the book on excuses!
Well, I started to, I mean, it’s hard, and I’ve got a lot to do...
FROM THE VAULT:
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"Cute, cute, but can it pick up peanuts?"
What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
(Note: Worcester is pronounced “Wooster” in England)
In the quaint English village of Worcester
Lived a little red hen and a rooster.
A coquettish glance
She acquired in France
Gave him ance in his pance, and he goosed her.
A sensitive lady from Worcester
At a ball met a fellow who gorcester;
A lecherous guy
With blood in his uy.
So she ducked out before he sedorcester.
There was a young lady of Worcester
Who complained that too many men gorcester.
So she traded her scanties
For sandpaper panties,
Now they goose her much less than they yorcester.
A man was admitted to the hospital today with 20 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum.
Doctors have described his condition as stable.
My wife just nudged me and said, "You weren't even listening, were you?"
I thought, that's a strange way to start a conversation.
I’ve got the world's best homing pigeon.
How do I know he's the best? I've sold him 87 times this week.
Why is it so hard to get a qsn stick in the right way?
Shit ! I mean a usb stick !
My waiter asked me how I like my steak.
So I told him “I like my steak like me winning an argument with my wife.”
So the waiter said “Rare it is.”
My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month.
It’s part of her minstrel cycle.