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Another Friday so time for some humour, no theme this week, just some laughs . . .
Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife ?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.
My mother-in-law died tragically yesterday, whilst on her way to do a little shopping.
I will therefore need to take a few days off.
A photo of the accident is attached so you know I am not just taking a "sickie".
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.
'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'FUCK OFF!,' the Rottweiler ate her!
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
The other day in Tasmania, a 42-year-old woman married a 14-year-old boy. Apparently, the marriage caused a huge controversy in Tasmania because they're not even related.
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'