It's Friday so time for some humour. A mixed bag today, I am in a theme drought . .
Two Aussies are fishing on a lake. All of a sudden one of them spots a funny looking bottle bobbing in the water and pulls it out. He sees something written on the bottle but can't quite read it so he gives it a bit of a rub.
SHAZAM.....out pops a genie!
"For releasing me from the bottle I will grant you one wish."
The guy glances at his mate, smiles and without further hesitation says, "I wish the whole lake was beer!"
The genie claps his hands together and BOOM, there's a blinding light and the genie is gone.
The guy quickly leans over the side of the boat and takes a big swig of 'water'.
"You're not gonna believe this mate, but it's really beer!"
His mate screws up his face and says "That's just bloody brilliant mate! Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat!!"
I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
A repeat from past Bytes:
Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice says "Un-fucking-believable!"
Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
A little boy once returned home from Hebrew school and his father asked, "what did you learn today?"
He answered, "The Rabbi told us how Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt."
The boy said "Moses was a big strong man and he beat Pharoah up. Then while he was down, he got all the people together and ran towards the sea. When he got there, he has the Corps of Engineers build a huge pontoon bridge. Once they got on the other side, they blew up the bridge while the Egyptians were trying to cross."
The father was shocked. "Is that what the Rabbi taught you?"
The boy replied, "No. But you'd never believe the story he DID tell us!
God decided he needed a vacation.
One of his aides suggested Venus. "Forget it," God said, "I went there 10,000 years ago and got sunburned."
Another aide suggested Jupiter. "No way," God replied. "I went there 5,000 years ago and froze my butt off."
A third adviser suggested Earth. "That's the worst of all," God answered angrily. "I was there 2,000 years ago and they're still accusing me of getting some Jewish girl pregnant."
Two guys were roaring down the road on a motorcycle when the driver slowed up and pulled over. His leather jacket had a broken zipper, and he told his friend, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in the chest like that." "Just put the jacket on backwards." His friend advised. They continued down the road but around the next bend, they lost control and wiped out. A nearby farmer came upon the accident and ran to call the police. They asked him, "Are they showing any signs of life?" "Well," the farmer explained, "the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!"