Friday, August 7, 2015

Funny Friday

Today is International Beer Day.

International Beer Day (IBD) is a celebration on the first Friday of every August founded in 2007 in Santa Cruz, California. Since its inception, International Beer Day has grown from a small localised event in the western United States into a worldwide celebration spanning 207 cities, 50 countries and 6 continents. Specifically, International Beer Day has three declared purposes:
  • To gather with friends and enjoy the taste of beer.
  • To celebrate those responsible for brewing and serving beer.
  • To unite the world under the banner of beer, by celebrating the beers of all nations together on a single day. 
That also gives us the theme for today's Funny Friday . . . 

* * * * * * * * * *
I just bought an alcoholic ginger beer.

He wasn't pleased.

* * * * * * * * * *
I was in the pub with the missus last night and I said, ''I love you.''

She said, ''Is that you or the Beer talking?''

I replied, ''It's me... talking to the Beer!''

* * * * * * * * * *
A man goes into a pub and points at a beer tap.

"Do you want a pint?" asks the barman. The man nods and the barman notices that he has a huge scar across his throat.

"Where did you get that?" asks the barman.

The man manages to croak, "Falklands".

"Blimey," says the barman. "Well ,have this one on the house, mate. You boys did a great job over there."

The man croaks, "Muchas gracias."

* * * * * * * * * *

* * * * * * * * * *
A pretty blonde walks into a bar and asks the handsome fellow at the bar what he's drinking.

He says, "Magic beer. You want one?"

"Aw, that's stupid. There's no such thing" she says.

"Look, I'll show you". He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself out of a nearby window, where he proceeds to fly up and around the building, and back into bar window.

"That's incredible! I don't believe it!" she says.

"Hey barkeep, throw me another one o' them Magic Beers". The bartender shakes his head and pours another beer and slides it down the bar. The man chugs about half of it and proceeds to leap out the window and circle the building again.

"Here, you try it" he says to the blonde.

She takes a big draw on the glass, jumps out of the window, and falls about 30 feet to the ground - breaking both her legs - and begins screaming in pain.

The bartender says, "Superman, you're a real bastard when you're drunk."

* * * * * * * * * *
My mates called me stingy so I decided to buy them a beer.

Turns out they wanted one each.

* * * * * * * * * *
A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!"

"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "It's started."

* * * * * * * * * *
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. 

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya". 

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" 

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery" 

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." 

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry. Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned." 

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?" 

"Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

* * * * * * * * * *

* * * * * * * * * *
The horse and mule live 30 years
And nothing knows of wine and beers;
The goat and sheep at 20 die,
And never taste of scotch and rye.
The cow drinks water by the ton,
And at 18 is mostly done.
The dog at 15 cashes in,
Without the aid of rum and gin.
The cat in milk and water soaks,
And then in 12 short years, he croaks.
The modest, sober, bone dry hen
Lays eggs for nogs, then dies at 10.
All animals are strictly dry,
They sinless live and swiftly die.
But sinful, ginful rum-soaked men
Survive for three score years and 10.
And some of them, a very few
Stay pickled til they're 92!

Corn Corner:

What woman can wash up with her left hand, cook tea with the right, sweep with one leg, dust with the other and open Beer with her arse?

A Swiss Army Wife.

I put a couple of 't's in my beer last night.

That made it better.

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