. . . and here it is, readers, Friday. So take a moment to grab a coffee, sit back, read and don't be afraid to laugh, it really is the best medicine.
Henry Cohen's parents, were not happy that he was not married by the age of 30. He wanted to please his parents but maintained that he simply hadn't met any nice girls. Finally, largely out of desperation, he married a goyish prostitute.
His new wife's friends worried because she had stopped showing up at her regular street corner. But then one evening she appeared, in lovely and stylish new clothing and fancy jewellery. Naturally, the friends were curious, and so she told them how she had married a nice Jewish boy.
"What about his parents?" they asked. She answered, "They love me. After Henry told them about us, they had a party every evening for a week. They call it Shiva."
Shiva (Hebrew: literally "seven") is the week-long mourning period in Judaism for first-degree relatives. The ritual is referred to as "sitting shiva." Traditionally, there are five stages of mourning in Judaism. Shiva is considered the third stage, and lasts for seven days.)
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.
The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, the people call him 'Your Grace'."
This third Catholic crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
And she said "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, ‘Oh, my God....’ "
This item has, unfortunately, gone past its ‘use by’ date but remains amusing if one thinks of it dating from the 1970’s . . .
This from a United Airlines pilot quoted in, "The Friendly Skies", a company newsletter.
The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport are infamous for being a short tempered lot. They not only expect you to know your parking location, but also how to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (United 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and the pilot of a British Airways 747 (callsign Speedbird 206).
Speedbird: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206, clear of the active."
Ground: "Guten morgen, taxi to your gate."
The BA 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground (brusquely): "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird: "Standby ground, I’m looking up the gate location now."
Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird (coolly): "Yes, several times in 1944, but I didn’t stop."
There is a similar version dealing with France:
An old man is at passport control in Paris.
He is going through his bag for his passport. The woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before?'
'Yes' replied the old man.
Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you should know to have your passport ready...' to which he answers 'I didn't have to show it last time.'
'Impossible!!' she bellowed.
The old man looks her straight in the eye and says 'Last time, when I landed on D Day in 1944, I couldn't find a fucking Frenchman to give it to'.
. . . and, to show that we in Oz are not above poking a bit of fun at ourselves, here is one that harks back to Oz being settled as a penal colony for Britain . . .
A Brit lands in Sydney, and is waiting at passport control. His turn comes and he steps to the agent.
The agent asks his name, and the Brit gives it.
The agent asks his occupation, and the Brit gives it.
The agent asks "Have you ever been convicted of a crime?"
The Brit responds "Right, so that's still a requirement?"
Limerick of the week (and also From the vault):
From the crypt of Justin St Giles
Came a scream that was heard for miles.
Said the vicar, "Good gracious,
Has Brother Ignatius,
Forgotten the Bishop has piles?"
In college I was so broke I couldn’t afford the electricity bill.
Those were the darkest days of my life.
A bloke on a tractor has just driven passed me shouting, "The end of the world is nigh."
It was Farmer Geddon.
My girlfriend was furious when I told her I put ginger in our curry.
She loved that cat.
I've just been blocked by Gary Barlow on twitter.
Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it.
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
DAD: No, it was with a knife...