So we’re now in December and Christmas approaches, along with the end of year holidays, Here is some humour to set you on that path but, as always, a caution that there is risqué content ahead.
Stay safe, readers.
From a US website . . .
Apparently a man in Australia, who was so drunk that he was kicked out of the bar, decided to go to a local zoo where he climbed into the enclosure of a 5m saltwater crocodile and tried to ride it.
It almost defies belief.
I mean, how fucking drunk would you have to be to get kicked out of a bar in Australia?
I helped my neighbour with something this morning and she said, ‘’I could marry you!’’
I couldn’t believe it.
You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Text message . . .
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than. you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbour dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message from his neighbour.
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed that my autocorrect changed ‘Wi-Fi’ To ‘Wife’. Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that.
By way of explanation and comment, New Zealanders have a habit of adding “eh” to the end of their sentences. They also pronounce the “e” sound as “i”, so that “pen” becomes “pin” . . .
2 Kiwis in conversation:
“What’s a Hindu, bro?”
“It lays eggs, eh.”
Some more in the same vein . . .
How was the Canadian able to put out a fire while vacationing in Mexico?
With the help of a hose eh.
Canada was originally supposed to be called Canad.
But whenever anyone spelled it, it came out as: C A N A D Eh.
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
There once was a girl from Hoboken
Who swore her cherry was broken
From riding her bike
On a cobblestone pike
But it was really broken from pokin'.
Some Herman Humour by Jim Unger . . .
Go to the dog shelter for a dog and you are a saint....
Go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind!!
A man walks into a pub and asks the bar tender for the WiFi password.
The bartender replies "You have to buy a drink first"
So the man buys a Coke.
"Ok now what's the WiFi password?"
The bar tender replies "you have to buy a drink first, all lower case, no spaces"
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise.
He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.
I swallowed a dictionary.
It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had..
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.”
Then I just sit at the green lights until I feel better about myself