Friday, December 3, 2021

FUNNY FRIDAY

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So we’re now in December and Christmas approaches, along with the end of year holidays, Here is some humour to set you on that path but, as always, a caution that there is risquΓ© content ahead.

Stay safe, readers.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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From a US website . . .

Apparently a man in Australia, who was so drunk that he was kicked out of the bar, decided to go to a local zoo where he climbed into the enclosure of a 5m saltwater crocodile and tried to ride it.

It almost defies belief.

I mean, how fucking drunk would you have to be to get kicked out of a bar in Australia?

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I helped my neighbour with something this morning and she said, ‘’I could marry you!’’

I couldn’t believe it.

You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

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Text message . . . 

Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than. you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.

Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbour dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message from his neighbour.

Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed that my autocorrect changed ‘Wi-Fi’ To ‘Wife’. Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that.
Regards, Alan.

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By way of explanation and comment, New Zealanders have a habit of adding “eh” to the end of their sentences. They also pronounce the “e” sound as “i”, so that “pen” becomes “pin” . . .

2 Kiwis in conversation:

“What’s a Hindu, bro?”

“It lays eggs, eh.”

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Some more in the same vein . . .

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How was the Canadian able to put out a fire while vacationing in Mexico?

With the help of a hose eh.

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Canada was originally supposed to be called Canad.

But whenever anyone spelled it, it came out as: C A N A D Eh.

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

There once was a girl from Hoboken
Who swore her cherry was broken
From riding her bike
On a cobblestone pike
But it was really broken from pokin'.

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GALLERY:

Some Herman Humour by Jim Unger . . . 







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CORN CORNER:

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Go to the dog shelter for a dog and you are a saint....

Go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind!!

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A man walks into a pub and asks the bar tender for the WiFi password.

The bartender replies "You have to buy a drink first"

So the man buys a Coke.

"Ok now what's the WiFi password?"

The bar tender replies "you have to buy a drink first, all lower case, no spaces"

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Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise.

He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.

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I swallowed a dictionary.

It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had..

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I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.”

Then I just sit at the green lights until I feel better about myself

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