And so it is the day of the eve of Christmas, at least it is here in Oz, which means that it’s time to take a break, relax, enjoy the holiday and celebrate the festive season in whatever way you celebrate it.
As we approach the end of the year, the following item sent to me (thank you, R J) sums up the year gone by . . .
Merry Christmas Eve, readers.
Any glue experts who can help me?
I needed to attach a velvet Elvis painting to a pink flamingo lawn ornament, so I grabbed a bottle of contact cement. The instructions said to apply to both surfaces and wait until they’re no longer tacky before putting them together.
That was 6 months ago, and they’re still tacky. How much longer do I need to wait?
The week of Christmas is always a hectic one at the North Pole. This one from long ago was especially so.
The elves had learned a new word “Unionize” and kept making threats.
Blitzen was colicky, Dasher had the worst case of gas he’d experienced in years and Vixen was pregnant; again!
Mrs. Claus kept hinting at her mother coming to stay for a few weeks after the New Year.
A strut on the sleigh was still busted after that pothole on 8 Mile last year, and the part was still back ordered. At least he still had the old one in the shed, much to the missus dismay, but the heater was finicky so he’d be bundling up a bit more just case.
The lead elf came in to let him know there’d been an issue with the tear in the sack, from last years near miss over Russian air space, it SHOULD be back from warranty by the 23rd, but there’d been shipping delays so. . .
Then an angel walked in the office, “Santa what do you want me to do with this tree?” Without missing a beat Santa yelled . . .
And that guys, gals and non-binary pals is where the tradition of an angel at the top of the tree came from!
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is:
You don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club
They've unearthed a sarcophagus in Egypt filled with chocolate and nuts
The mummy was wrapped in gold foil, so they believe it is the legendary Pharaoh Rocher
Paddy feared his wife Mary wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told him there is a simple informal test that Paddy could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here’s what you do said the doctor. Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal speaking tone see if she hears you. If she doesn't, go to 30 feet away and then 20 feet and so on until you get a response.
Later that day when Paddy gets home from the pub, he sees Mary in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the hallway,
He thinks to himself, I’m about 40 feet away let’s see what happens.
In a normal tone, he asks, “Mary what’s for dinner my lovely?”
No response so he moves closer 30 feet he says” Mary, what’s for feckin dinner ?” Still no response.
He moves closer about 20 feet. ”Mary, for Christ’s sake, can ye be telling me what’s for dinner?” Still nothing and again at 10 feet still nothing.
So he walks up behind her and says Mary, can you tell me what’s for dinner?
FOR FUCK SAKE PADDY, FOR THE FIFTH TIME CHICKEN!!!
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
There was a young lady named Smith
Whose virtue was mostly a myth.
She said, "Try as I can,
I can't find a man
Who it's fun to be virtuous with."
Some funnies from Leo M, thanks Leo . . .
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.
They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.' So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports .
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: 'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!' Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate. 'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'
God just shrugged and said, JESUS SAVES...
A Viking is out shopping when he comes across an old woman in a wheelchair crying.
"What's wrong?" asks the Viking.
"Well," the woman says, wiping her tears, "I have been living on my own for many months now, and my daughter and son-in-law have at last come to visit me. My daughter has brought me along on this shopping trip, but it's the first time I've really been out and about since losing the use of my legs. It's so disheartening."
"I'm very sorry to hear that," says the Viking. "But at least your family is here! That should help to dry your tears!"
"Yes," says the old woman, "but I really wanted to get something to surprise my daughter while she is in that shop trying on clothes, and with this accursed wheelchair I can't get around like I used to.
"I was hoping to find an extra special cake or pie to celebrate their visit," she sobs. "Oh, I can't even bake my classic egg and bacon tart anymore, and I know my family always looks forward to that!"
"You're in luck then. That place over there is the finest bakery in the country!" says the Viking.
"So I hear," says the woman, "but the first floor is just breads and such. The fancy sweets and pies are all up on the second floor, and I can't get up there with my chair."
The Viking thinks for a moment and says "Not a problem. I shall carry you!"
With that, he lifts her from her wheelchair, hoists her onto his back, and trudges into to the bakery. After carrying her up the stairs and all about the display cases, he helps her bring a selection of delicious treats to the counter. She even finds her family favorite!
The Viking then carries the woman and her purchases back to her waiting chair below.
"I can't thank you enough! I'm so much happier now!" replies the old woman. "Who are you, kind sir?"
But the Viking simply smiles and walks off without a reply.
As he turns the corner out of sight, the woman's daughter appears at the bakery entrance.
"There you are, Mom!" she exclaims with relief. "I was worried sick when you weren't where I left you. What have you been doing in there?"
"Oh!" replies the woman "I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name. It felt good to get our quiche Lorraine!"
There is a beaver in our local zoo who is quite the celebrity. His name is Clint.
What weighs more, a litre of water or a litre of butane?
The litre of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.