Friday, December 10, 2021

FUNNY FRIDAY

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Two more Fridays and it’s Christmas Eve, readers, it’s that close.

Here is some Friday humour to mark the way . . .

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 SOME HUMOUR:

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden, feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. He said this person will cook for you and wash your clothes. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.

Adam asked what a woman like this would cost him. God said, "An arm and a leg."

Adam replied, "What can I get for just a rib?" 

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What's the difference between a fairy tale and a redneck tale? 

Fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time...", while redneck tales begin with "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..." 

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A man was taken to court for calling an Honourable Minister a pig. 

It was his first offence and the Judge was in a good mood and decided to show mercy. 

So he discharged him after warning him to desist from unguarded utterances in future. 

The man removed his cap and thanked the benevolent Judge profusely. ''Thank you, your lordship." 

He continued. "Honestly sir, I didn't know it was wrong to call an Honourable Minister a pig. I won't do it again. I am sorry.'' 

''It's okay.'' Said the Judge. ''You may go.'' 

''My lord, may I ask a question, sir?'' 

''Feel free,'' answered the Judge. 

''Now I know it's wrong to call an Honourable Minister a pig, but is it also wrong to call a pig Honourable Minister?'' 

Amused, the Judge replied. ''I don't know why you would want to address a pig as Minister. But I don't think the pig would mind. Anyway, it's not unlawful by the way. Yes, you may call any pig Honourable Minister.'' 

The man smiled and nodded, then he turned to look pointedly at the Minister and said. ''Goodbye, Honourable Minister.

(This reminds me of a story I heard may years ago that someone in Parliament once declared that one of the Members had the brain of a sheep.  Ordered to retract on a point of order, he then declared "Very well, the Honourable Member for [whatever electorate it was] doesn't have the brain of a sheep.")

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In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.

She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was! 

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview. 

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.” 

“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?” 

“I pray for peace. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship.” 

“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

 “Like I’m talking to a wall!”

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Someone from Melbourne sent me an email yesterday stating that she would go to my friend’s restaurant in Sydney when the boarders were open again.  She obviously meant “borders” but it reminded me of the following:

A teacher addresses her primary school class:  “Class, the lesson now is spelling.  I would like each of you to stand up, tell me what you had for breakfast and then spell it.  Billy?” 

Billy stands and says “ I had bacon and eggs Miss, B-A-C-O-N, E-G-G-S.” “Good,” says the teacher, “Sally?” 

Sally stands and says “I had toast, Miss, T-O-A-S-T.”  “Also good,” says the teacher, “Johnny?” 

Johnny gets to his feet and says “I didn’t have any fuckin’ breakfast, F-U-….”  Before he can finish the teacher cuts him short and soundly tells him off, then sends the children out to recess. 

Over the break she thinks to herself that she may have been a little hard on Johnny, that maybe she should make it up to him when class resumes. She decides that she will ask him the first question when they return from recess. 

After they are all seated she says “Class, this lesson is geography.  Johnny, can you tell me where the Queensland border is?” 

Says Johnny “Well, when I left home this morning he was in bed with me Mum, that’s why I didn’t have any fuckin’ breakfast.” 

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

One of the first limericks I learned, when I was a youngster in school . . .

In the garden of Eden sat Adam,
Massaging the bust of his madam,
He chuckled with mirth,
For he knew that on earth,
There were only two boobs and he had 'em !

I know that there is an alternative version that refers to Adam having two balls but I believe that the above one is a better one.  This is the one from my primary school days . . . 

In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Gently caressing his madam,
And loud was his mirth
For on all of the earth,
There were only two balls -- and he had 'em.

Obviously human balls since the animals had been created:

25 And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

26 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.

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GALLERY:

Some more Jim Unger Herman cartoons, I love these, love the faces, the captions, the humour . . .






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RELIGION SPOT:

A Protestant archaeologist uncovered Jesus Christ’s tomb.

And he discovered inside it remains, which beyond any reasonable doubt belong to Jesus Christ himself. The archaeologist understands that this could be catastrophic for Christian faith, since this means that there wasn’t any Resurrection of Christ. He’s in desperate need of advice, and so he decides to call the Pope despite being Protestant, because the Pope is the single most important person in the Christian world. He calls the Pope and tells him his story and asks him what to do, whether he should go public with his discovery or bury it forever to save the Christian faith worldwide. The Pope answers him: “Wait, holy crap, you mean Christ was real?!” 

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CORN CORNER:

Bruce Lee was fast

But his brother, Sudden, was faster. 

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They've finally found a cure for dyslexia

The news is music to my arse.

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 Did you hear that the guy that makes rings and necklaces out of steel is closing his shop for today?

Yes, it's ferrous jeweller's day off.

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