(Caution: risque language/humour)
An old lady wakes up one morning to find that there's a gorilla in the tree in her back garden. She looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." She calls the number and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives with his truck which contains a ladder, a pitchfork, a shotgun, a set of manacles, a winch and suspended metal cage, and a large snarling dog with big teeth, wearing a muzzle.
He sets up his equipment in the back yard, removes the muzzle from the dog and says to the old lady "I'm going to climb the tree using this ladder, then I work my way along the branch and give the gorilla a poke with the pitchfork. This will force the gorilla to jump down, whereupon this specially trained dog runs up and grabs him by the testicles, holding him immobile until I get down. I then put the manacles on him, drop the cage over him and take him to the zoo. They give me a donation and it doesn’t cost you anything.”
“That would be lovely,” she says.
“All you have to do is hold the shotgun,” he says.
“What do I do with the shotgun?” she asks.
“Lady,” he responds, “If I fall off the ladder, shoot the fucking dog!”
John is paying a visit to the hospital to visit his Italian neighbour who just had a very serious traffic accident. The neighbour is in plaster, completely wrapped in bandages with large amounts of hoses and infusions. He looks like a mummy. John tries to have a conversation but his neighbour has his eyes closed and isn't responding. Suddenly his eyes jump wide open and he starts to gurgle and during his last gasp for air he says:
"Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ...."
John inscribes the words in his heart.
At the funeral John tells the black-clad widow that her husband had something to say at the end.
She asks with tearful eyes, "Was it that he loved me? "
"I do not know," said the man, "but it sounded like ‘Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, pezzo di merda ....’ “
The widow screams and faints.
"What?" John ask startled to the daughter, "What did he say? What does that mean?"
The crying daughter says: "You’re standing on my oxygen hose, you git."
Q: What’s pink and wrinkly and hangs out your underwear?
A: Your mother.