. . . and time for some fun.
Back at work for most of us, so that is today's theme. Some oldies but goodies are repeated from past years.
A woman goes to the doctor and finds that she has only 24 hours to live. She goes home and tells her husband, who says That’s awful, what would you like to do with the time you have left?” She replies “I would like to go to bed, make love and watch the sun rise in each other’s arms.” “That’s alright for you,” says the husband, “you don’t have to go to work in the morning.”
A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
The boss had to lay somebody off, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Mary or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would lay off the first one who was at the water cooler the next morning.
Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying the night before. Almost immediately, she headed to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before, but I either have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she asked, "I feel like shit this morning!"
My boss asked me, "do you believe in life after death and the supernatural?"
"Yes, I think so," I replied.
"I thought you would," he said. "Yesterday after you left to go to your grandmother's funeral, she phoned up to talk to you..."
Tom takes a job as a factory manager. Productivity is low, so Tom decides to make an example of someone. He sees a young man lounging on a bench picking his nose.
"Here! You!" says Tom. "I don't pay you to sit around all day. How much do you earn in a week?"
The young man replies, "500 bucks".
Tom takes a wad of money out of his pocket, peels off ten 50 dollar notes and gives them to him. "Here’s a week’s wages. Now piss off, you're fired."
The young man walks off and Tom turns to the foreman. "We'd better find someone to replace that slacker," he says. "What exactly was he doing here?"
The foreman replies, "He was delivering our lunch."
I phoned my work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough."
He said, "You have a wee cough?"
I said, "Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!"