Caution: risque humour included.
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve rolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No way! They have no clothes and no shelter," the Russian points out, "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."
What do you call a Russian with Tourette's Syndrome?
A Northern Territory farm hand radios back to the farm manager.
"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the truck. The pig's ok, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my truck and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out."
The manager says, "Ok, there's a .303 rifle behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him."
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, "I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on".
"Now what's the problem?" raged the Manager.
"Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch."
"You there Boss?"
What is the Australian animal that most resembles the Australian male? The wombat, because he eats roots and leaves.
A pom, fresh off the plane at Sydney airport, is trying to negotiate Australian customs. Finally, when it's his turn to get his passport stamped, the customs officer starts rattling off the usual questions:
Customs Officer: How long do you intend to stay?
Pom: One week.
Customs Officer: What is the nature of this trip?
Customs Officer : Do you have any past criminal convictions?
Pom: I didn't think we still needed to!
I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it with her all night. She kept screaming, “Fujifoo! Fujifoo!” The American thought she was screaming in pleasure.
The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one.
Wanting to impress the clients, he shouted “Fujifoo!”
One of the Japanese men looked at him with a very confused look on his face and said, “No, you got the right hole.”
An American, an Indian (ie from India) and an Englisman are in the hospital waiting room together, all three of their wives about to give birth.
When the doctor comes out and says “I’m terribly sorry, but we’ve had a mix up and we don’t know which baby is which.”
As this is a joke, rather than immediately contacting their lawyers, they agreed amongst themselves that they’d go and see if they could tell, if they felt a special connection to one, for example.
The Englishman entered the room first, as is his right, and was in there for 15 minutes, before emerging with what was, for various reasons, clearly the Indian man’s son.
The Indian pointed this out immediately and the Englishman replied “I know, but one of the others is American and I’m not taking the risk.”
Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name. I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"