Friday, September 6, 2019

Funny Friday

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So it's Friday again, here is a bit of Friday humour:

Robinson Crusoe fell desperately ill. Just before dropping into a coma, he called for his man Friday to help him. Friday, not knowing what else to do, went outside of Crusoe's tent and danced around and prayed for the gods to come and help his master. 

Shortly afterwards, he went back into Crusoe's tent and found his master awake and staring at a beautiful glowing shape at the foot of his bed. 

"Who is that?" Robinson Crusoe asked. 

His helper answered, "Thank Friday! It's God!"


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Limerick of the Week: 

From the crypt of Justin St Giles
Came a scream that was heard for miles.
Said the vicar, "Good gracious,
Has Brother Ignatius,
Forgotten the Bishop has piles?"


On the theme of limericks, I love this shirt . . . 



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From the vault:

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table ... whole!" 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bugger. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff".

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a cherry up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first."

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Gallery:

Sent to me by John P, thanks John . . .






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Corn Corner 

Courtesy of Graham E, thanks Graham . . .

(some repeats)

Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. 
It was an ether/oar situation. 

Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf. 
I haven’t heard from him since. 

I was arrested for stealing cooking intensils. 
But it was worth the whisk. 

My girlfriend poked me in the eyes...
...so I stopped seeing her for a while. 

Helpful advice if you’re ever attacked by a group of clowns. 
Go for the juggler. 

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. 
All I did was take a day off. 

I accidentally glued myself to my autobiography, 
but no one believes me... 

My boss told me to have a good day. 
So I went home. 

I was kidnapped by a gang of mimes. 
They threatened to do unspeakable things. 

I needed a password eight characters long. 
So I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. 

My girlfriend left me saying I am too insecure...
No, wait, she’s back! She only went to make a cup of tea. 

The man who invented Velcro died. 
RIP.


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