My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
"Whatever means necessary," she replied.
"No it doesn't," I said.
There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.
They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, “This should impress him!” He showed his son a machine and said: “Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages.”
The son, openly sneering, said: “Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?”
The furious father thought and said: “Yes son, we call it your mother.”
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before.”
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "Mmm...that was some good lion meat!".
The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "Get on my back, we'll get him together.”
They start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realises what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "Where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."
From the vault:
An old man goes to the barbershop for a shave. He tells the barber, “My cheeks are so sunken in that I can’t get a good shave, can you help me out?”
The barber gives him a ball from a cup and says, “Put this in your mouth against your cheeks to puff ’em out, and I can give you a good shave.” So he does.
After the shave, the old man said, “Gee, that’s a good shave, I haven’t had one like this in years! By the way, what would have happened if I had swallowed that ball?”
The barber replied, “Oh, that’s okay! You can bring it back in two days like everyone else does!”
There once was a man from Dunoon,
Who always ate soup with a fork.
Either fish, foul or flesh,
He said "When I eat
I otherwise finish too quick."
There is no five second rule about food being dropped on the floor in our house.
That's because we have a one second dog.
I popped in to a place called Dan's Cafe for a bite to eat, but was sickened by all the non stop George Michael music and memorabilia, I'm sure it was putting subliminal George Michael lyrics in my head...
I'm never going to Dan's again.
"Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?"
Waitress: (slaps me across the face) “The men I please are none of your damn business