Thursday, February 14, 2019

Funny Friday


It’s Friday again, the entrée for the main course, the weekend. Here are some Funny Friday morsels to get you on the way. 

Some risqué items ahead so proceed at your own risk. 

Some farm humour . . . 

A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer. 

"What's up, John?" asked the farmer. "Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop." 

"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob. 

"How do you figure?" asked John. 

"Well, John - you know my 'ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me! But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. 

Well wouldn't you just know damn pants fell down." 

"And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you." 

Interviewer: "Congratulations on winning the $140 million dollar Powerball lottery." 

Farmer: "Thank you." 

Interviewer: "Do you have any special plans for spending all of that money?" 

Farmer: "Nope. Not really. I'm just gonna keep farming until the lottery money is all gone." 

A farmer sat down at a local bar and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating." 

"What a coincidence," said the woman next to him. I'm celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him. 

"What are you celebrating?" 

"I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." 

"What a coincidence, the woman said. For my husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked. 

"I switched cocks," he replied. 

"What a coincidence," she said. 

A young city couple are driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends one day. 

They suddenly come to a muddy patch in the road and don't stop in time, so the car becomes bogged down and stuck. 

After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they see a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen in front of him. 

The young farmer stops when he sees the couple in trouble and offers to use the oxen to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepts and a few minutes later the car is free. 

Afterward, the farmer says to the husband, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today." 

The husband looks around at the fields and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plow your land? At night?" 

The young farmer says, "Oh no. Night is when I put the water in the hole." 

A man from the city bought himself a farm. 

On his first day at the farm he was walking his acres, discovering the creeks, hills and other features when he came upon a large hole in the ground. He looked inside but he could see only blackness. He picked up a small stone and dropped it into the hole, waiting to hear it strike the bottom to ascertain its depth, but he heard nothing. 

He then dropped in a larger stone, with his ear held over the hole, but again he heard nothing. 

Looking around he noticed a railway sleeper. With some effort he managed to push it into the hole. As he waited to hear the sound of it striking the bottom, a goat ran out from some nearby bushes and charged staright at him. He managed to get out of its way at the last moment but the goat continued straight on, into the hole. 

A short while later a man came by and said to him “’Scuse me, mate, but you haven’t seen a goat around here anywhere, have you?” 

”Well, as a matter of fact I have,” he replied. “A goat came out of those bushes, charged at me and dived into this hole.” 

“Nahh, that wouldn’t be my goat,” he replied, “mine’s tied to a railway sleeper.” 

Limerick of the week . . . 

There was a young poet in Wemyss, 
Who cried “Oh, how awful it seymss, 
When asleep late at night. 
Lovely poetry to wright, 
And awakening find it's but dreymss!"

(Wemyss is in Scotland and is pronounced Weemz) 




Corn Corner: 

Meanwhile in a parallel universe: “Oh for God’s sake! Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!”  

* * * * *

I was doing a crossword and I said to my wife, "9 letters. The clue is 'To do or say again'. 

She said, "Reiterate." 

I said, "9 letters. The clue is 'To do or say again'.

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