Welcome to another Funny Friday but there is risque content ahead so proceed at yown risk . . .
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighbourhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the Reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the Reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
The New York City Public Schools have officially declared Hebonics (Jewish English) as a second language. Backers of the move say the city schools are the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and a significant attribute of American culture. According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at Brooklyn College and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.
Prof. Schollman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another question, plus a complaint, implied or stated. Thus 'How are you?' would be answered, 'How should I be... with my bad feet?'"
Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning: "Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?"
Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress."
Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as "He's slow as a turtle," could be "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."
Schollman provided the following examples from his best-selling textbook, "Switched-On Hebonics."
Question: "What time is it?"
English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
Hebonic response: "What am I, a clock?"
Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
English answer: "Thanks."
Hebonic response: "I should be so lucky!"
Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
English answer: "Be right there."
Hebonic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with the 'hurry' business? Is there a fire?"
Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; I wear it all the time."
English answer: "Glad you like it."
Hebonic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I gave you?"
Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
English answer: "Congratulations!"
Hebonic response: "She could stand to lose a few pounds."
Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
English answer: "Just say when."
Hebonic response: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?"
To the guest of honor at a birthday party:
English answer: "Happy birthday."
Hebonic response: "A year smarter you should become."
Remark: "It's a beautiful day."
English answer: "Sure is."
Hebonic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"
Answering a phone call from a son:
English answer: "It's been a while since you called."
Hebonic response: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead already?"
From the archives . . .
Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to go the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus agrees.
As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter’s tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus asks him to describe his life and explain why he feels he should be admitted into Heaven.
The man explains, “In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn’t live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I’m not remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him, he didn’t really come into this world in the usual way.
I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavoury characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be reunited with my son.”
Jesus is awe-struck by the man’s story. He looks into the old man’s eyes and asks, “Father?”
The old man’s face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks “ Pinocchio?”
Limerick of the Week . . .
I have previously posted the below risqué limerick, here it is with my introductory comments
Whenever I am watching some English show with Kate – Antiques Roadshow, QI, Country House Rescue, Escape to the Country, Restoration Home, Midsomer Murders – and the place name Aberystwith is mentioned, there is something compulsive in me that makes me recite the Aberystwith limerick, no matter how many times she has heard it before. It happened again a few days ago.
There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
Who took grain to the mill to make grist with.
The miller's son, Jack,
Laid her flat on her back,
And united the organs they pissed with.
My reason in mentioning it is that I came across a variation, which is also quite good:
A lad and a lass from Aberystwyth
United the lips that they kystwyth.
But as they grew older,
They also grew bolder,
And played with the things that they pystwyth.
Moishe lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.
He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and Moishe agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered Moishe a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I’m about to have dinner. There’s plenty; would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.
As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I’ve had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
Moishe hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."