Friday, January 18, 2019

Funny Friday

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Some long jokes, some shorter ones, some reposts and some corn, what better way to start Friday? 

Enjoy, Byters. 
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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. 

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. 

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage." 

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." 

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. 

Later, the manager said to the boy........... 

"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?" 

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied. 

Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked. 

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there." 

"Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand!" 

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?" 
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It is the month of June, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. 

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one. 

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher. 

The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower. 

The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel. 

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town prostitute that in these hard times, gave her services on credit. 

The prostitute runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there. 

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything. 

At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town. 

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism. 

And that is how a capitalist economy works. 
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My mates are really annoyed with me right now just because I lost us the pub quiz. 

Apparently the drone isn't the national bird of Syria. 
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A repost . . . 

A little boy is excited because the circus has come to town. They had a parade with a band and animals and clowns! Oh, the clowns were fabulous! He was so excited that he got a ticket right away. 

The show began and there were stunts and people on the high wire and trained animals. Then out came a tiny car and out from it poured a endless stream of clowns who did the funniest things you ever saw. It was absolutely hilarious. Then all of a sudden the clowns stopped and started looking around, all puzzled. They searched high and low and still they kept going. Finally one clown stopped and addressed the audience, "We seem to have lost our horse and we need help finding him. Would the person in row 32 seat H please stand up?" The boy notes that he is in that seat so he stands up! The clown says, "Ah! We've found the horse's ass, now we need to find the rest of the horse!" 

The audience roars with laughter and the boy turned beet red. He tore from the tent in humiliation, mostly because he didn't know what to say! He decided that would never happen to him again. He pulled out his most recent copy of Boy's Life and found an ad for a book for snappy comebacks, so be bought it. It arrived and he proceeded to memorise it in its entirety. He had the local librarian borrow similar books that he also memorised. 

As he grew up, he practised his snappy comebacks, but was he ready? No! He went to a college that allowed you construct your own major, so he majored in Snappy Comebacks. He studied Moliere, Shakespeare, Henny Youngman, Phyllis Diller, all the greats. He earned his major. Was he ready? No. He went on to get a PhD in snappy comebacks. Was he ready? No. He started publishing papers presenting a full taxonomy of snappy comebacks, classifying them by type, cultural reference, social import and final impact. Was he ready? Yes. 

He returned to his home town and waited for the circus. When it arrived, they had a parade with a band and animals and clowns! Oh, the clowns were fabulous! He got a ticket right away for the same seat. 

The show began and there were stunts and people on the high wire and trained animals. Then out came a tiny car and out from it poured an endless stream of clowns who did the funniest things you ever saw. It was absolutely hilarious. Then all of a sudden the clowns stopped and started looking around, all puzzled. They searched high and low and still they kept going. Finally one clown stopped and addressed the audience, "We seem to have lost our horse and we need help finding him. Would the person in row 32 seat H please stand up?" The boy notes that he is in that seat so he stands up! 

The clown says, "Ah! We've found the horse's ass, now we need to find the rest of the horse!" 

And he says in a loud, steady voice, "FUCK YOU CLOWN!" 
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The above item is what is known as a shaggy dog story, a long involved story that ends without any point, sometimes a pun or an anti-climax. 

The first recorded use of the term is in 1937 when the following appeared in Esquire magazine: Esquire magazine, May 1937: "One of the more sporting ways of finding out which ones are not [sane] is to try shaggy-dog stories on them." 

The term is believed to have originated from a story where a young boy enters his dog into a contest to find the shaggiest dog. He wins the local contest, then the regional contest and so on, winning bigger and bigger contests. Eventually he makes it to the world championship for shaggy dogs. When the judges had inspected all the dogs they said to the boy about his dog “He’s not so shaggy.” 

It may not be funny but that is the point. A shaggy dog story story builds an expectation that is either not met or is met in an unexpected way. 
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Gallery:

I love Bizarro's cartoons, here are some . . . 




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Corn Corner:
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Apparently I have Lexdysia, who knew.... 
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Cliff Richard has been suffering from online abuse. 

He’s got himself some spying, talking, tweeting, stalking, living trolls. 
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There was a father and two sons. The sons were called Ikey and Mikey. 

They stayed in their apartment while their dad went to the store. 

Unfortunately, their dad forgot the keys to his car. 

He shouted to Ikey, "Throw my key out of the window!" 

And then Ikey threw Mikey out of the window. 



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