Friday, May 3, 2019

Funny Friday

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The Fridays keep on coming and so does the humour.


A couple of jokes about farmers, opus the usual items.  Enjoy!
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Humour . . . 

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A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for $500. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’ 

Joe replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’ The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve spent it already.’ Joe said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’ The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with it?’ Joe said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’ The farmer said, ‘You can’t flog a dead horse!’ Joe said, ‘Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’ 

A month Later, the farmer met up with Joe and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’ Joe said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $5 apiece and made a profit of $1,995.’ The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’ 

Joe said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $5 back.’ 

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A farmer drove over to his neighbour’s house and knocked on the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. “Is your mom or dad home?” the farmer asked the boy. “No, they went in to town,” the boy replied. 

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked. “No, he went with mum and dad,” the boy said. The farmer stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says “I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.” 

“Well,” the farmer said uncomfortably, “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.” 

The boy thought for a moment, then said “You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I haven’t any idea how much he charges for Howard.” 

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A farmer liked to sit on his porch his every morning. One morning, as he’s sitting there, a boy comes walking down the road carrying a giant roll of duct tape. The farmer asks “What are you doing with so much tape?” The boy replies “This isn’t just any tape, this is duck tape. I’m going to catch me some ducks.” The farmer laughs and tells him it doesn’t work like that but the boy ventures on anyway. 

A couple hours later the boy comes back with 10 ducks wrapped up in tape. The farmer can’t believe his eyes. 

The next day the farmer is on his porch again and the boy comes walking past carrying some fencing wire. The farmer says “What on earth do you have all that wire for?” The boy replies “This ain’t no ordinary wire. It’s chicken wire. I’m gonna catch me some chickens.” Now the farmer, remembering yesterday, says “Just because you have chicken wire don’t mean you’re gonna catch chickens.” 

A couple hours later the boy comes walking past with a whole flock of chickens wrapped up in wire. The farmer sees it from his window and shouts “How’d you get all those chickens?” but the boy keeps walking without saying another word. 

The next day the boy walks past the farmer’s porch again carrying a long stick. The farmer asks “What are you doing with that stick, boy?” The boy replies “This ain’t no ordinary stick, this is from a pussy willow.”. The farmer says “I’ll get my hat.” 
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From the vault . . . 

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: 

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." 

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. 

"In this country ... we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives ..” 

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'." 
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Limerick of the Week: 

There was a young woman named Alice 
Who peed in a Catholic chalice. 
She said, "I do this 
From a great need to piss, 
And not from sectarian malice." 
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Gallery:






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Corn Corner: 

Today I made a spear and threw it to the other side of a river. 
It wasn't very productive, but at least I got my point across. 

A farmer counted 297 cows in the field. 
But when he rounded them up, he had 300. 

I went into a posh pub in a pair of overalls and this snotty barman said to me "I'm sorry, you can't come in here dressed like that." "OK," I replied as I left, "fix your own fucking heating then."


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