Friday, May 24, 2019

Funny Friday


Some religious humour this week plus a Trump - Putin item that is too good not to post.

Some smiles and laughs to set you on the course for the weekend.

Timmy didn’t want to put his money in the offering plate Sunday morning, so his mother decided to use some hurried creative reasoning with him. 

“You don’t want that money, honey,” she whispered in his ear. “Quick! Drop it in the plate. It’s tainted!” 

Horrified, the little boy obeyed. 

After a few seconds he whispered, “But, mommy, why was the money tainted? Was it dirty?"

“Oh, no dear,” she replied. “It’s not really dirty. It just ‘taint yours, and it ‘taint mine,” she replied. “It’s God’s.” 

Mrs. Smith was fumbling in her purse for her offering when a large television remote fell out and clattered into the aisle. 

The curious usher bent over to retrieve it for her and whispered, “Do you always carry your TV remote to church?” 

“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come with me this morning, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.” 

A little girl from Alabama went to church for the first time ever when she was visiting her grandparents in Michigan. When the pastor announced it was time for Holy Communion, she was excited–and hungry. The congregation filed up to the altar rail, and the child watched in confusion as her grandparents received a wafer and small plastic cup of wine. She could hardly wait to get back to the pew to tell her grandma that Jesus wasn’t from Alabama. 

“How do you know that, dear?” asked her grandma. 

“Because that was the poorest meal I’ve ever seen,” she said. “Mama would’ve at least given everybody some corn bread and sweet tea.” 

Mr. Green peered over his fence and noticed that the neighbour’s little boy was in his backyard filling in a hole. Curious about what the youngster was up to, Mr. Green asked, “What are you doing, Jimmy?” 

Tearfully, little Jimmy replied, “My goldfish died, and I’ve just buried him.” 

“That’s an awfully large hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” Mr. Green said. 

Patting down the last bit of earth, little Joey replied, “That’s because he’s in your cat!” 

Trump and Putin arranged a competition to determine whose nation had the bravest troops. The two leaders arrived, at the designated hour, on a plateau in Finland high above the water. Each was accompanied by a battalion of crack troops, smartly uniformed. The leaders shook hands. 

Trump went first. He addressed his battalion of Marines: 

"Private Jones! Front and center." 

Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks, facing his commander. 

"Private Jones! March to the edge of the cliff." 

Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff. 

"Private Jones! Jump!" 

Jones just stood there, unmoving. 

"Private Jones! I said jump!" 

The man's knees started to shake, but he was otherwise motionless. 

"Private Jones! This is your Commander-in-Chief. I ORDER YOU TO JUMP!!!" Private Jones wailed out: "I can't! I have a wife--and a family!" 

The MPs arrived and escorted Jones away for court martial. Trump backed off in disgrace. It was now Putin’s turn. 

"Comrade Dmitrivich! Front and center." 

Comrade Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks, facing his commander. 

"Comrade Dmitrivich! March to the edge of the cliff." 

Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff. 

"Comrade Dmitrivich! Jump!" 

Dmitrivich jumped off the cliff. 

By some miracle, he is snagged on a branch and he lands on a crag some 50 feet below the top of the cliff. Dmitrivich is badly injured, but still alive and conscious. He is carried away on a stretcher. 

As Dmitrivich is carried past Private Jones, Jones cannot resist asking him: 

"Dmitrivich! How could you do it? How could you jump?" 

Dmitrivich answered: "I had to! I have a wife--and a family!" 

From the vault: 

A man was out playing his weekly round of golf when he hit a shot into the trap off the 11th green. So he pulls out his sand wedge and takes a swing at the ball only to hit something metallic underneath. Being curious, he digs away the sand only to find what looks like Aladdin's Lamp. It's kind of dirty, so he takes out his golf towel to clean it off. All of a sudden... POOF! ... a genie appears from the lamp and says, 

"Sir, you have freed me from the lamp! For this I will grant you 3 wishes!" 

The man thinks for a moment and says, "You know, I have everything I could possibly want. Give the wishes to someone else." He quickly putts out and leaves for the 12th tee. 

The genie is flabbergasted. "To think that someone in this world could feel so fulfilled that he could pass up not just 1 but 3 wishes! I know what I'll do. To reward him, I'll grant him 3 things without him knowing. Now let’s see. What does every man want? Money! He will have all the money he can use. Power! Every man wants that. And what else? ... Sex! All that he wants." 

A couple of weeks later the man is coming toward the 11th green and there is the genie - sunning himself in the trap. 

Genie: (feeling smug) "Hey. How's it going?" 

Man: "Couldn't be better. Last week I raised over $1,000,000 and gave the most spellbinding and effective talk of my life. It looks like I'm gaining more influence among my peers and superiors. Things are great." 

Genie: "If you don't mind me asking, how's your sex life?" 

Man: "It's great. I've had two women in the last two weeks." 

Genie: (looking puzzled) "TWO women? That's not very good!" 

Man: "It is if you're a priest in a small parish!" 

Limerick of the week: 

A certain sweet girl from Key West
Was uncommonly large in the chest.
Any man’s close attention
To her outside dimension
Brought his own measurement to its best.



Only one today: 


Corn Corner: 

God is talking to one of his angels and says, “Do you know what I have just done? I have just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth. Isn’t that good?” 

The angel says, “Yes, but what will you do now?” 

God says, “I think I’ll call it a day.” 


There will be a meeting of the Church Board immediately after the service,” announced the pastor. 

After the close of the service, the Church Board gathered at the back of the sanctuary for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst — a visitor who had never attended their church before. 

“My friend,” said the pastor, “Didn’t you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?” 

“Yes,” said the visitor, “and after today’s sermon, I suppose I’m just about as bored as anyone else who came to this meeting.” 


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