Friday, May 17, 2019

Funny Friday


It’s election day tomorrow so what better theme than politics, politicians and elections. 

At the same time there is a tinge of sadness with the death at 89 of Bob Hawke, who was PM from 1983 to 1991.

RIP Old Silver. 

"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? " 

"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'" 

If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress? 

I was trying to have an adult discussion about politics with my Chinese friend but he was quite vulgar, just keeps going on about an erection on May 18. 

A true story about Bob Hawke, from: 
Politicians and fruit cakes, a tawdry tale 
Barrie Cassidy 
One night in particular, back in July 1981, the great luminaries of the ALP lined up against one another at a fund raising dinner at Melbourne's Southern Cross Hotel. Their challenge was to tell the best joke. Political correctness was suspended for the night.  
. . . . .  
Then Bob Hawke strode to the microphone, exuding all the confidence of a politician on the rise.  
He began by saying he had read the morning's newspapers and noticed that India's prime minister, Indira Gandhi, "was up to her old bad habits, banning strikes in India".  
He went on in a fake Indian accent: "Things were getting so bad in India that she gathered her advisers together and asked them whether anybody could do anything about our ill fortunes.  
"Some smart Harvard educated fellow said, 'I am a student of modern political history and it is my very firm conclusion that we should try and avert attention from the mess that we have created.  
"I think we should have a monster Indian national lottery, with three mystery prizes. People would become so excited.  
"And they were. Tens of millions of people bought tickets.  
"When the day came to draw the monster Indian national lottery, the host, Mr Mukagee, was surrounded by tens of thousands of people in the stadium and millions more in the surrounding mountains.  
"And when he called out the winner of the 'turd prize', way out into the distance this little man came rushing up, thrusting his hand into his dirty little dhoti to pull out the winning ticket.  
"He won a first class ticket around the world on glorious Air India, with the free food and the free drink and the unlimited spending money.  
"Then the winner of the second prize came running up. He won a fruit cake.  
"The man shouted at Mr Mukagee. 'But the third prize was an around the world ticket on glorious Air India, with the free food and the free drink and the unlimited spending money. And second prize is a fruit cake?'  
"'But', Mr Mukagee said, 'it's not just any fruit cake. It's a fruit cake baked by our glorious Prime Minister, Mrs Gandhi.'  
"And the little man said 'eff Mrs Gandhi'.  
"And Mr Mukagee said, 'oh, no no no no, you'll be wanting the first prize!"  
When the laughter died down, Mick Young said: "You can never accuse Hawkie of being even-handed on the Middle East. When I told him that story 10 years ago, it was Golda Meir!"  
Just 15 months later, Bob Hawke was leader of the Labor Party, and 16 months later, prime minister of the country. In February 1989, he visited New Delhi and delivered the Indira Gandhi memorial lecture in recognition of the assassinated leader.  
We are making progress. 

From the vault: 

Sir Winton George Turnbull (1899 – 1980) was an Australian politician. In 1946, Turnbull was elected in a by-election to the federal seat of Wimmera for the Country Party. He was subsequently discharged from the army in order to sit in the Parliament. Turnbull was a dedicated parliamentarian who never missed a parliamentary sitting and was appointed Country Party whip in 1956. 

The Australian political party now known as the National Party of Australia, also The Nationals and The Nats, representing graziers, farmers, and rural voters generally, began as the Australian Country Party. 

From Gough Whitlam in a debate at Sydney Town Hall in 2000 on the subject "That Politicians Have Lost Their Sense Of Humour":  
"When Sir Winton Turnbull was raving and ranting on the adjournment and shouted 'I am a Country member', I interjected 'I remember'. He could not understand why, for the first time in all the years he had been speaking in the House, there was instant and loud applause from both sides." 

Limerick of the week:

God's plan made a hopeful beginning 
But man spoiled his chances by sinning. 
We trust that the story 
Will end in God's glory; 
But at present the other side's winning. 

Those who prefer non-gender specific language can instead enjoy thios variation: 

God's plan made a hopeful beginning, 
People spoiled their chances by sinning. 
We trust that the story 
Will end in God's glory; 
But at present the other side's winning. 

Corn Corner: 

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. 
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?” 

Hear about the new restaurant called “Karma”? 
You don’t order, you get what you deserve. 

A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” 
“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.” 

A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola.” 
“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. 
The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”

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