Welcome to another Funny Friday, readers, the first of the new month. And what a new month it’s already been. Who would have thought that events would take place that would overtake COVID-19.
As someone in the US put it in a message to me:
1020 so far:
January - talk of WW3 and tensions with Iran
February - Coronavirus begins
March - CAROLE FUCKING BASKIN
April - Coronavirus, everyone is now on lockdown
May - Murder hornets and shit
June - Riots, looting, and Target is literally targeted
What's next for July? Aliens? Zombies? Another $1200 cash prize for surviving America? Stay tuned for next month's episode of "What the Fucking Fuck, America?"
So take a timeout, think about lighter matters and read some funnies, best done with a cup of coffee or tea and with someone to turn to and say “Hey, listen to this one . . . “
A word of warning: some of the items are risque so stop here if you might be offended.
SOME HUMOUR . . .
A cop in the US pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s licence and registration.
When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.
He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”
She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the centre console. And a shotgun in the trunk.
“Jesus, lady,” says the cop. “What are you so afraid of?”
The old lady looks him in the eye and says, “Not a fucking thing.”
A married man was having an affair with his secretary
One day their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8.00pm.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "Liar! You've been playing golf!"
A young guy met a sixty years old woman at a bar and she looked pretty good for her age.
He found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. The young guy drank a couple of beers and one thing led to another, she asked if he’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double?
“What’s that?” he asked.
“It’s a mother and daughter threesome,” she said.
As his mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, “No, I haven’t.”
They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, “Tonight’s your lucky night.”
They went back to her place, they walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: “Mum…you still awake?”
FROM THE VAULT . . .
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk at the doctor’s surgery. The receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then came back in.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK . . .
Regular contributor Tim B from the USofA sent me an email which I share with you, with a bonus of 3 limericks from him. Thanks Tim.
Tim’s email appears below but, again, a risqué content warning, Bear in mind the accurate observation about limericks:
The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean -
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
Hope you and your family are doing well. My brother is a retired lawyer here in Georgia and in his retirement he is learning to play the ukulele, doing woodworking, and writing. I know that you are a fan of limericks and he has written a few. Hope you enjoy.
There once was a fellow from Dublin
Whose date found his penis quite troublin’
She said “That will just tease me,
Twice bigger would please me.”
He replied “Sure, and it soon will be doublin’.”
There once was a sinner named Gaylord
Who said “If you really did say, Lord,
That we must be meek,
Turn the other cheek,
I’m in trouble because I can’t obey, Lord.”
The last limerick started me thinking and inspired the following:
I call my car’s GPS “Lord”,
It isn’t meant untoward
For just like Jesus.
Saving the lost, it frees us,
It’s the truth and the way onboard.
GALLERY . . .
"Hello. I'd like a book by Dickens, please.
The worst thing about working from home is Dress Up Friday.
I have to wear a suit and tie all day.
If you're here for the yodelling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.
Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of $1.48 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a $20 note.
She said "Haven’t you got anything smaller as that will take all my change."
I said "No, sorry but I can pay by card if that helps?"
She sarcastically said "Of course it would help."
As I presented my card she said "Cash back?"
I said "Yes please.”
"How much?" she asked
I said "$18.52.”