Friday, April 26, 2019

Funny Friday


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It seems strange to be posting a Funny Friday the day after a public holiday, all the more so when the public holiday was Anzac Day.  Nonetheless, it is Friday so it is time to post some fun.  As usual there are some jokes, one from the vault, a limerick, some visuals and some corn, so hopefully there will be something for everyone.  Plus, because of Anzac day, there are some military themed items.  Enjoy, dear Byters.
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Correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
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Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
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Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible. Numbers 22:21, you will find that Balaam went to town “riding upon his ass”.
That, Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!

Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.
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Two colleagues, Paddy and Riley, meet after work and Paddy is all excited: "Man, I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude's house and he had a toilet made of gold!"
"You're kidding!" says Riley.
"No" says Paddy and he took Riley to the house.
They rang the doorbell and a middle-aged lady opens.  Paddy asks "Can we see the toilet made of gold?"
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells inside the house, "Roger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here!"
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Donald Trump is being briefed in the Oval Office by this month’s Chief of Staff, Mick Mulvaney.
"Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."
Trump looks surprised and scratches his head.
"Mr. President," says Mulvaney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But you seem confused."
Trump looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian?"
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From the vault:

The Colonel called the Sergeant Major in.
"Sar Major, I just got word that Private Jones' father died yesterday. Better go tell him."
So the Sergeant Major calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
"Orright you ‘orrible lot," says the Sergeant Major, "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you lot report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Jones, your father’s dead."
Jones faints and has to be taken to the infirmary.
A few days later the Colonel called the Sergeant Major into his office.
"Sar Major, we have received notice that Private Jones’ mother has also now died.  Let him know but break the news a bit more gently than you did for his father.”
"Yes, sir," answered the Sergeant Major.
He calls for his morning formation.
"Atten-hun.  Everybody with a mother still alive, take two steps forward. JONES, where do you think YOU’RE going?”
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Limerick of the Week:

Today a bonus, not one, not two, but three limericks, all original and sent to me by Byter John P.  They are all on a transgender theme and not strictly PC but worth an airing . . .
Thanks John.

There was a young woman named Brenda
Whose parts were caught up in the blender 
She said: "Oh, my God, 
"I'm feeling quite odd, 
"I think I'm becoming transgender."

There was a young man, an East Ender, 
Who over-indulged on a bender. 
He drank too much Scotch, 
And crashed on his crotch
So hard that he's turning transgender. 

There was a young man, a fence mender,
Whose balls stuck in his suspender. 
He said: "Life's a blur, 
"I'm not him, I'm not her.
"Oh, bugger me dead, I'm transgender." 
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 Gallery:
  

  

  

  

  

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Corn Corner:

Never Apologise! Never Explain!

Sorry, that’s my motto.
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Someone stole the toilet at the local police station.

They have nothing to go on.
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The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
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Can Napoleon return to his place of birth? 

Of Corsican.



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