___________________
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking"
"Our aircraft has reached its designated altitude, you
may now unfasten your seatbelts. Our flight attendants will be serving drinks
in five minutes. The expected flight duration is four hours and ten minutes,
our current speed is AAAAH, OH FUCK, NONONONONO, HOLY SHIT, OH MY GOD!!!"
The intercom cuts out.
All passengers fall silent.
In a couple of minutes the captain speaks again:
"Dear passengers, this is your captain speaking. Please
accept my humble apologies for my inappropriate intercom message. A steward
spilled hot coffee all over me. If only you could see what happened to the back
side of my shirt..."
One of the passengers gets up from his seat and says loudly:
"If only YOU could see what happened to the back side
of my PANTS!"
___________________
Bugger me, it's that windy outside I was hanging the washing
out and ended up hang-gliding when I tried to put the wife’s knickers on the
line.
___________________
Limerick of the Week:
Monsignor Ronald Knox, a famous limerick writer, once
persuaded an unwary newspaper editor to run the following advertisement:
Evangelical vicar in want of a portable second-hand
font, would dispose of the same for a portrait (in
frame) of the Bishop=Elect of Vermont.
___________________
From the vault:
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly
and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the
inevitable, when all of a sudden...
“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I is sure
of eet.”
“Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee.”
So with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand
dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There’s
raw bacon, dripping with moisture… fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon
- every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!
“Pepe, Pepe - we ees saved - eees a bacon tree!”
“Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert,
don’ forget.”
“Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of
bacon? Ees no meerage - ees a bacon tree.”
And with that, Luis races towards the tree. He gets to
within 5 metres - Pepe following closely behind - when all of a sudden, a
machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is
mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his
dying breath.
“Pepe, go back man - you was right, ees not a bacon tree.”
“Luis, Luis, mi amigo… what ees eet?”
“Pepe, ees not a bacon tree… ees...
ees...
ees...
(wait for it)
... a Ham Bush.”
___________________
Corn Corner:
Had a ploughman’s lunch earlier.
He kicked the shit outta me.
------oOo------
My old dad use to say, "If you want anything in this
life, you have to go out there and grab it with both hands."
The busty barmaid at the Rose and Crown has now taken out a
restraining order.
Thanks dad!
------oOo------
My dad told me never to go to a cheap, sleazy, dirty,
raunchy strip club.
Because you'll see something, you really shouldn't.
So I went.
And I saw my dad.
------oOo------
As I get older, I sometimes stop and think about all of the people
I’ve lost along the way
Maybe my job as a tour guide wasn’t such a good idea after
all
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