The ides of March have come and gone, tempus fugit. For those not up on their Latin, it is not a rude expression, it means time flies. As Groucho Marx reputedly said (although the expression predates him), time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
So time flies and here it is Friday, time for some fun . . . indeed, not only is today a fun time, it is also fund about time.
Caution: risque humour ahead.
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city’s major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place. “Yes?” “Excuse me, sir,” the jogger said, “do you have the time?” The man looked at the car clock and answered, “8:15”. The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger. “Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?” “8:25!” The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another o ne disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, “I do not know the time!” Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window. “Sir, sir? It’s 8:45!”
Mary had a little watch,
She swallowed it one day.
So she took some castor oil,
To pass the time away.
But even with the castor oil
The time refused to pass,
So if you want to know the time,
Just look up Mary's arse.
A guy goes to the Council to apply for a job,
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10 a.m., and plan on starting at 10 a.m. every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., why don't you want me here until 10 a.m.?"
"This is a Council job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.
Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.
"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
"Where's Trump's clock?" Hillary asked.
"Trump's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Him: I want you to suck my clock.
Her: I’s not a clock.
Him: It will be when you put two hands and a face on it.
From the vault:
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. “What is the big brass gong and hammer for?” one of his friends asked. “That is the talking clock,” the man replied. “How’s it work?” the friend asked. “Watch,” the student said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, “KNOCK IT OFF, YOU JERK! IT’S 2 AM!”
Limerick of the week:
Explanation: Worcester is pronounced Wooster
There was a young lady of Worcester
Who complained too many men gorcester.
So she traded her scanties
For sandpaper panties,
Mow they goose her much less than they yorcester.
Q: What did the second hand say to the hour hand as it passed by?
A: See you again in a minute.
"Please help me, Doctor, I keep seeing into the future!"
"Ah. And when did this start?"
"Next Tuesday afternoon."