Firstly, I don’t know whether my computer glitch is yet cleared up. It appears that when I checked with some of my office people, who are subscribers, as to whether they had received their Bytes, they said no. Hence I reposted the item about Milton Berle’s appendage, only to have some people say they had now received it twice. A giant cock-up is how Byter Steve M referred to it as in an email to me. I had the computer geek we use look at it and it might be that the office anti-virus had somehow “got itself in a big knot” (as he put it) and may have stopped those emails coming in. Let’s hope it is working properly now. In nomine patris et filii et spiritus sancti.
Secondly, something quite different for today’s Funny Friday.
Son Elliot put me onto a marvellous Facebook site called “Rate My Plate” where people post photographs of what they have cooked and invite reviews from members of the public. It is the comments that are a treasure.
So today’s Bytes has a selection of those pics and comments . . .
plus a couple of wotrd items to keep everyone happy.
Caution: some risque items ahead.
Rate My Plate. . .
Full English by Alex J
Nae Sika: Did you toast that bread with a warm hug?
Dave Rogers: Did you start cooking the sausages last Tuesday?
Jamie Durkin: How did you cook your toast? Breathing on it?
Gillian Hamilton: Where is egg, black pudding, square sausage, beans, cuppa t? Full breakfast my hole.
Emma Goswell: I’ve seen used tampons look more appetising than those tomatoes. Sake.
Beef Stew by Keane O
Jordan Kaye: I needed a new PC password. I put in "BeefStew". It said the password is not stroganoff.
Stuart McIlroy: That looks fucking epic. 10/10 definitely would bang
Jeffrey Rogers: Why have you served it in a plant pot?
Gregski Majchrzak: Did you chop your veggies with an axe? It’s a fucking choking hazard.
Shawn Mitchell: Hi Mr butcher, can I have 20ps worth of beef please.
Tonight's Tea: Sosig with Beans and Pees by Rachel D
(People on this site often use the spelling "sosig" for “sausage”)
Phil King: Beans and peas? God will judge you and he'll find you guilty!!
Robert Wallace Jr: . Beans and peas on the same plate is worthy of going on the register
Martin Butters: Here's one i made earlier. . .
Lentils & Pork by Jim W
Hayley Louise Smith: Hello! Is it me you're looking for?
Beverly Avery: Looks like a fecking squashed hedgehog
Jay Smith: Tito, the least handsome of the Jackson 5, was so self-conscious that he often had to be forced onstage with a fork.
Adam Humphrey: When you forget to clean out the rabbit hutch for 3 weeks.
John Walsh: Looks like Leo Sayer...
Fried Egg, Cheese and Bacun with Jalapeños by Thomas H
Barry Schofield: Thomas, Thomas, Thomas... plastic cheese and jalapenos with an egg n bacon muffin... classic mistake, of an overly confident Estate Agent.
Craig Carling: It's called a bacon and egg butty... The clue is in the name.... What in the name of christ on a bike is a sliver of plastic cheese and the devil's clinkers doing in there?
Vanessa Tipper: I once told a waitress I didn’t want JAL OP IN OHs on my burger...how the fk was I to know it’s pronounced “Hala pee nose...”
Bob Townsend: You can spell jalapeños but not bacon???
Pulled Pork and Pancakes by Terrie W
Adam Harvey: If I’m not mistaken this appears to be somewhere around the 4th and 5th circles of hell.
Alex J Sebbinger-Sparks: What’s that poured over it? Castrol GTX?!
Bruce Tannock: Whats for dessert? Ice cream served on a bed of boiled mince?
BBQ Ribs, Pulled Pork and Mash by Warren L
Jack Dawson: This is amazing. Are you a dog Warren? Is this what your owners have left you? Good boy.
Simon Russell: Where have you pulled the pork from? My great aunties underwear?
Kate Victoria Fleet Who’s ribs did you bbq? A hamsters?
Clare Denvir: I’ve pulled more meat out of my teeth.
Curtis Johnson Even your pulled pork is doing a runner...
Roast Lamb with all the trimmings by Paul C
Andy Cohen-Wray: Your donation of just £2 will help Paul C purchase some gravy granules so he can make some gravy for his dinner.
Barri Corps: This little guy looks happy to be a part of it.
Jessica Vandever: Is this goose shit on your lamb, Paul?
Les Moon: Can anyone else see an owl on that plate?
A joke . . .
A young Rabbi went into the country to pay a visit to a 92 year-old Temple member. She graciously welcomed him into the parlour.
While she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful oak pump organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water and a latex condom was floating on top of the water.
The rabbi gulped, but decided he dare not say anything about it. However, after tea, curiousity got the best of him. "I hope you don’t mind my asking, but that bowl of water..."
"Oh, yes," she said, smiling sweetly. "When I was in town I found a little foil package on the sidewalk and took it home. The directions on the back said, ‘Keep wet and put on your organ to prevent disease,’ and you know, I think it works. I haven’t had a cold all winter."
Limerick of the Week:
There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
Why did Hank Marvin never become an A-list music icon?
He preferred to remain in the Shadows.
I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a year’s supply of Marmite......... one jar.
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."