The reason for the above Quote for the Day is that the theme for today’s Funny Friday is . . . bread. That came about because in a conversation with someone about having some toast, I was asked “Raisin?” and replied “No, just twitchin’ a little.” The other person looked at me oddly, not knowing the joke. So here is that joke, plus some more bread ones . . .
Caution: risque content ahead.
A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's twitchin’ a little."
You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...
That's the domino effect...
“Back in my day,” my grandfather would say, “You could go into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and some butter as well....”
"But today, they got cameras everywhere!"
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in."OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
From the vault:
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said "Well, I eat Jewish rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Jewish rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it . Would you like some?"
He said, "Yes, I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this stuff but me."
Limerick of the Week:
Watching the English TV program Escape to the Country with Kate, mention was made on the show of Devizes. This prompted me to bring some class to our conversation by telling her about the young man from Devizes, to which she responded (as she has done in the past) “Nice.”
Here it is . . .
There was a young man of Devizes,
Whose balls were of different sizes.
One was so small,
It was nothing at all;
The other so big it won prizes.
I never got to telling her an alternative version . . .
There was a young man of Devizes
Whose balls were of different sizes.
His tool when at ease,
Hung down to his knees,
Oh, what must it be when it rises!
A piece of bread walks in to a bar, he asks for a sandwich, the bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
A storm blew away only 25 % of my roof last night.
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.
eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.