Friday, May 1, 2020

Funny Friday


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Remember how TV weatherman Phil Connors repeats the one day over and over again for years in Groundhog Day?  On one occasion we see him in a bar with two boozing locals, Gus and Ralph.  Phil, smashed and feeling sorry for himself, says “What would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same, and nothing that you did mattered?”  “That about sums it up for me” replies Ralph.

That is what the world seems like at the moment.

There has been one change, though, that you will have noticed.  The Limerick of the Week now is posted in the Thought/Quote of the Week spot.  

A mixed bag of humour this week, no theme except to try to raise a smile or a laugh.

Stay safe and well, people.

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SOME HUMOUR . . .

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"

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Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a prick?"

Cop: "Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?"

Cop: "No sir. You can think whatever you like."

"In that case, I think you're a prick."

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A man sits next to another man on the train, pulls out a photo of his wife and says “Isn’t she beautiful?”
The other man says “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife.”
The first man asks “Why? Is she a stunner?”
“No,” says the other man, “she’s an ophthalmologist”

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A bad workman blames his fools.

EDIT: *tools

Stupid keyboard

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"Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?"

Waitress: slaps me across the face

"The men I please are none of your damn business!"

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A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, “What would you like, sir?”

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie.”

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, “What would you like, sir?”

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, “A quickie, please.”

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, “Um, I think it’s pronounced ‘QUICHE.'”

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FROM THE VAULT . . .

At about 3.00am I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself. The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."

She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Crap!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."

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GALLERY . . .






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CORN CORNER:
  
6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?
Because he needed 3² meals a day.

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A child asks his father what "gay" means
The father says to his son that it means happy, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?"
The father laughs and says "No son, I have a wife".

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When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

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I’m old enough to remember when emojis were called "hieroglyphics."

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I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

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I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.

I guess that's what it's all about.

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