Friday, May 29, 2020

Funny Friday


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No theme today readers, just some fun and laughs but be warned, there is risque content ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR . . .

What’s the difference between chopped beef, and pea soup?
Anyone can chop beef, but no one can pea soup!

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This one’s dated but I only just came across it. The subject is the last Super Bowl.

For Joe and Ron, avid Kansas City Chiefs fans  . . .

I accidentally bought $3,500 Super Bowl tickets on the same day I’m supposed to get married.

If anyone wants to go take my place for FREE it’s going to be at Casino Beach in Pensacola Florida. Her name is Savanna she’s 5’2, super nice girl, and an incredible cook!

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And speaking of Ron, here are some chortlers he sent me yesterday

Thanks Ron.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. 
Last night she used me to time an egg.

 A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' 
I went over. Nobody was home!

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen 
the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and 
got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. 
I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
  
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house 
we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk to me during sex; 
last night she called me from a hotel.

 It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and 
a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. 
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, 
the cat kept covering me up.

(I used to joke about my boys that they were so ugly as kids 
that we had to tie pork chops around their necks 
to get the dog to play with them.)
- Otto)

I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. 
She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid 
that came with his wallet.

I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness 
AFTER I was born.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and 
I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up.  What's wrong with me?" 
He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."

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FROM THE VAULT . . .

Today a double dose, what one might call high vaultage . . .

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Henry Cohen's parents, were not happy that he was not married by the age of 30.  He wanted to please his parents but maintained that he simply hadn't met any nice girls. Finally, largely out of desperation, he married a goyish prostitute.

His new wife's friends worried because she had stopped showing up at her regular street corner. But then one evening she appeared, in lovely and stylish new clothing and fancy jewellery. Naturally, the friends were curious, and so she told them how she had married a nice Jewish boy.

"What about his parents?" they asked. She answered, "They love me. After Henry told them about us, they had a party every evening for a week. They call it Shiva."

(Shiva:  Shiva (Hebrew: literally "seven") is the week-long mourning period in Judaism for first-degree relatives. The ritual is referred to as "sitting shiva." Traditionally, there are five stages of mourning in Judaism. Shiva is considered the third stage, and lasts for seven days.)

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Researchers for the Australian Roads Department found over 200 dead crows on the Great Northern Highway recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

They hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck." !!

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK . . .

I once had the wife of a Dean
Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'.
She remarked with some gaiety,
"Not bad for the laity,
But the bishop once managed thirteen."

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GALLERY . . .







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CORN CORNER:

I’m reading a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.

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A dog walks Into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?” The bartender says, “Why don’t you try the circus?” The dog replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”

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The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

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Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

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She wanted a puppy. But I didn't want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.

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I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

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