Friday, May 8, 2020

Funny Friday


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A couple of mother jokes for the coming mother’s day occasion, plus a mixed bag for the rest.

Stay safe and well readers, we can get through this.

Caution: risqué humour ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR . . .

How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the bulb and the other to hold the peni... LADDER! One to hold the ladder.

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When life gives you lemons, surgeons and dyslexia can give you melons.

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Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says..."The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got !"

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Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus.
Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.

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A very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell, no they ain't. The oldest one's nine and the other one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just plain stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter, "I just couldn't believe someone would have sex with you twice ..."

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The cops found 99 pounds of cocaine the other day....wait actually it was 98. Scale was a bit off.

Wasn’t it 90? I thought the flaw was the electronic scale so the weighed it on a different one.

They totally had a huge bust of 50.

So glad they got that 25 pounds of coke off the street. The children are safe now.

It’s also amazing how much more productive the police force has been since they recovered those 10 lbs of cocaine. It’s like they’ve been reinvigorated by the successful bust.

Actually, it was grams not pounds

Milligrams

Fake news. They never found the cocaine

There’s no coke!

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FROM THE VAULT . . .

As promised, Janice  . . . (Janice is Scottish) . . . 

Woman to Scotsman: What do you wear under your kilt?
Jock: Put your hand up and feel.
She does.
Woman: Oh! It’s gruesome.
Jock: Put your hand up again, lass, you'll find it's grew some more.

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 GALLERY . . .











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CORN CORNER:

I thought my nose was bleeding, but it's not.

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'I dedicate this to my dad, who was a roofer. Dad, if you're up there...'

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Bought my Mum a mug which says, “Happy Mother’s day from the World’s Worst Son”.

I forgot to mail it but I think she knows.

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I don't see the humour in blind jokes.

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Mute jokes leave me absolutely speechless.

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I haven't yet heard a good deaf joke.

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My dad farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.

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Only stupid people never change their minds.

That's what I've always said.

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