We’re now in July, which means that our American cousins will shortly be celebrating their Independence Day. The items below contain some July humour and a few relating to that day.
Stay safe, Byters.
By the way, some risque items ahead, so don't go on if you might be offended.
SOME HUMOUR . . .
4th of July,
The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.
Something really important must've happened on July 24th, 365 AD.
All of the supermarkets near me say "24/7/365".
I hate it when my wife says "Are you listening to me?!"
Such a random way to start a conversation.
Southern hemisphere joke. . . northern hemisphere people substitute summer:
I told my mate that in order to have sex, I'd said to my girlfriend that I'd marry her in the winter.”
"July?" he asked.
"Of course I did," I replied.
I asked a tattoo artist to tattoo a picture of a pigeon into my pubic region.
He took a look at the picture and agreed to do it for $120.
It looked amazing. So, a couple weeks later, I went back and asked him to give me a matching tattoo on my palm. He looked again at the picture and said, “That will be $240.”
I said, “Why the price jump? You did the exact same design last time for only $120.”
He told me, “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.”
July 4th PSA: On one hand fireworks are a lot of fun.
On the other hand I only have 2 fingers.
FROM THE VAULT . . .
From January 20, 2017 . . .
The London Zoo acquires, at great expense, a very large female gorilla of a particularly rare species. Right from the outset she is very bad tempered and very difficult to handle. The zoo's vet, after examination, boldly announces that her problem is that she's in heat. If she was to be mated she would become docile and adjust to her new surroundings. But what to do? There are no males of her species available and the other male gorillas are terrified of her.
The zoo administrators remember that one of their zoo-keepers, an Irishman called O'Reilly, who is responsible for cleaning animals' cages, is a large man and notorious for his abilities with the opposite sex. Perhaps they could persuade him to placate the gorilla.
So they approach O'Reilly with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred pounds?
O'Reilly asks for the night to think things over and on the following day, says that he'll accept the offer on three conditions: "First, dere's to be no kissin’. Second, if dere’s any children, dey have to be raised Roman Cat'lic."
The zoo administrators quickly agree to these conditions. "But what about the third?" they ask.
"Well," says O'Reilly, "You've got to give me some time to come up wit' de five hundred quid...."
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK . . .
Temptations are notably rife
In the Bible, as much as in life;
But you're asking for trouble—
A two-for-one double—
To covet the ass of my wife.
GALLERY . . .
My mate said "Do you think your wife knows which is the most northerly US state?"
"Alaska" I replied.
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks: “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”
He said: “They had avocados.”
I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realised I had 11.
It was just a spare, I guess.
I talked with some old hippies at an organic farm the other day
They were just standing in the middle of their field, watching the tiny shoots of the newly growing vegetables emerge from the earth. And I asked them what they were watching. They replied: “This is the dawning of the age of asparagus, age of asparagus”
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.