Friday, July 24, 2020

Funny Friday


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The year grinds on, week by week, with still no end in sight to these dark days, so here are some lighter moments . . . 

Be warned, though, there is risque content ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR. . .

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.

Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son."

"Well, obviously!" he replied.

"What do you mean?"

"It was your idea in the first place" her husband continued. "You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him."

"I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred."
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13: “I’m the number everybody hates”.

666: “No way, I am the number everybody hates”.

2020: “lol”.
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How do you turn a pussy into an asshole?

Give him a badge.
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Did you hear about Johnny Depp not being willing to testify against Harvey Weinstein unless the authorities promised he could not be prosecuted for domestic violence?

Apparently he wanted heard immunity.
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My boss walks over to my desk as the phone is ringing…

Boss: Why aren’t you picking that up??

Me: I pick it up on the third ring, makes me seem cooler.

Boss: PICK IT UP!!

Me: [rolls eyes] Fine. 911, what’s your emergency?
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Johnny is in Sunday School when the teacher asks the class "What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?"

Johnny's hand shot up. Since Johnny never raised his hand, the teacher called on him.

“Yes, Johnny?”

Johnny replied "Popeye kicked the shit out of him".

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FROM THE VAULT . . . 

A married couple decides to brave Covid and eat out for their anniversary at a fancy restaurant. They order soup, but as it arrives, the man accidentally knock his spoon onto the floor with his elbow. To his surprise a waiter promptly picks up the dirty spoon and gives him a clean one right from his shirt pocket.


"Wow, you guys all carry spoons in your pocket?" His wife asks.

"Well sure," the waiter replies. "We need to turn tables 20% faster with all the rules in place. We had an efficiency consultant in last week and he told us we could increase overall productivity by 6.8% by carrying fresh spoons in our pockets. Now we all do it."

"Impressive," the couple agrees. "By the way,” says the man, “I should let you know that you have a piece of string hanging out of your fly."

"Oh we all do!" the waiter replies. "The consultant said we were wasting valuable time washing our hands.
He told us to tie this piece of string to ourselves for hands-free operation. When I need to unzip, I just use the string. And since I never actually touch myself, there's no need to wash my hands!"

"I see," says the man, between big spoonfuls of soup. "So, um, how do you get your penis back into your pants when your finished?"

"Well. I don't know about these these other guys, but I use the spoon."


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GALLERY . . . 
  






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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK . . . 

There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?

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CORN CORNER . . .

Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher, but no one ever mentions his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol...
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I overdosed on viagra once
Hardest day of my life
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There's a woman in the park sells batteries.
She sells C cells by the seesaw.
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Trump is now promoting beans.
Normally beans promote trumping.

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