Friday, July 10, 2020

Funny Friday


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Hello readers.

Another week has passed and the news keeps getting more and more grim. 

The US elections loom large and it is a unique situation for so many reasons that you already know. 

It started me thinking about elections and politics so that is the theme today. 

Stay safe, people. 

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SOME HUMOUR . . . 

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A frightened man goes to the Russian secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.” 

“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.” 

“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.” 

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Apparently a true story . . . 

The following is a funny and true story shared by KC Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School. In one of KC's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple. 

The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. 

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. 

KC and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating .... 

"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?" 

And someday she'll vote! 

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The 2020 election results are in! 

Oh sorry, this is just for us Russians. 

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Genuine bumper stickers in the US:


Explanation:


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By the way, Psalm 109 is the Biblical equivalent of Alanis Morissette's bitter "You Oughta Know" . . . 

Psalm 109

O God, whom I praise, do not remain silent,
for wicked and deceitful men have opened their mouths against me; they have spoken against me with lying tongues.
With words of hatred they surround me; they attack me without cause.
In return for my friendship they accuse me, but I am a man of prayer.
They repay me evil for good, and hatred for my friendship.
Appoint an evil man to oppose him; let an accuser stand at his right hand
May his children be wandering beggars; may they be driven from their ruined homes.
May a creditor seize all he has; may strangers plunder the fruits of his labor.
May no one extend kindness to him or take pity on his fatherless children.
May his descendants be cut off, their names blotted out from the next generation.
May the iniquity of his fathers be remembered before the LORD; may the sin of his mother never be blotted out.
May their sins always remain before the LORD, that he may cut off the memory of them from the earth.
For he never thought of doing a kindness, but hounded to death the poor e loved to pronounce a curse-- may it come on him; he found no pleasure in blessing-- may it be [6] far from him.
He wore cursing as his garment; it entered into his body like water, into his bones like oil.
May it be like a cloak wrapped about him, like a belt tied forever around him.
May this be the LORD's payment to my accusers, to those who speak evil of me.
But you, O Sovereign LORD, deal well with me for your name's sake; out of the goodness of your love, deliver me.
For I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me.
I fade away like an evening shadow; I am shaken off like a locust.
My knees give way from fasting; my body is thin and gaunt.
I am an object of scorn to my accusers; when they see me, they shake their heads.
Help me, O LORD my God; save me in accordance with your love.
Let them know that it is your hand, that you, O LORD, have done it.
They may curse, but you will bless; when they attack they will be put to shame, but your servant will rejoice29
My accusers will be clothed with disgrace and wrapped in shame as in a cloak.
With my mouth I will greatly extol the LORD; in the great throng I will praise him.
For he stands at the right hand of the needy one, to save his life from those who condemn him.

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An American flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board and reports it to the captain. 

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is an extremely sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, almost like she has no idea what is going to happen next. The man she is with is a fat old slob and old enough to be her father. He's very sleazy, very sullen and although he speaks English, it is impossible to make out what he's trying to say." 

The captain sighed and replied, "Look Susan, we've been through this many times before, this is Air Force One..." 

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FROM THE VAULT . . . 

A young jockey and his stable lass girlfriend make the decision to get married. 

Everything is planned and the couple intend to honeymoon in Italy for a week. 

The marriage goes without a hitch and the couple set off on their honeymoon. 

While checking in at their hotel, the lady behind the desk asks “We have two rooms available for you, would you like the bridal?” 

“No thanks,” says the jockey, “I'll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!” 

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK . . . 

A foreigner said, 'I have heard 
Your language is really absurd. 
The spelling is weird, 
Much worse than I feared 
For word rhymes with bird, nerd and turd.” 

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GALLERY . . . 





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CORN CORNER: 

If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress? 

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I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy. 

It’s not like I did anything. 

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My horoscope said I was going to get my heart broken in 12 years’ time. 

So I bought a puppy to cheer myself up! 

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Magician: I can make anything disappear! 

Tom: (holding up a cup) Really? Make my tea disappear. 

Magician: (waves hand) Done! 

om: (looks in cup) It didn't work. 

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If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced 

"BOOM" 

I hope that blew your minds 

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My girlfriend said, "You act too much like a detective. I want to split up." 

"Good idea," I replied, "We can cover more ground that way." 

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I just found out the man who wrote the song The Hokey Pokey passed away. 

When they put him in his coffin, they put the left leg in, they took the left leg out... 

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