A few laughs for the end of the week.
Stay safe, people.
SOME HUMOUR . . .
My wife told me she'd slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
Don't worry guys, i think she's okinejkodoworkfjcjkskoe394oo2oc2i2fkf2uu3ug25r2u
An oldie, but a classic . . .
A young boy lost his eye in a farming incident and his family could only afford to replace it with a wooden eye to fill the void. He was extremely self conscious about his unfortunate situation and felt like he would never be able to find love.
One evening his mother convinced him to attend a dance to mingle with his peers. Nervously, he went along and sat in the corner.
After looking around the room he saw a girl with a very large nose also sitting alone. He decided he was going to ask her to dance.
He walked over and nervously asked, “Excuse me, would you like to dance?”
The girl immediately perked up and leaped to her feet, “Would I?”
The boy screwed up his face and shouted back at her, “Big nose!”
A farmer went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Bill, the bank manager who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing.
The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
Bill suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.
Next week, Bill returned to see if the vet had helped.
The farmer looked very pleased. "The bull has serviced all of my cows!
He broke through the fence, and serviced all my neighbour's cows! He's been mating just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"
"Wow," said Bill, "what did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked Bill.
"I don't know what they’re called, but they kind of taste like peppermint." \
While Michelangelo was painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel....
One day, he looked down from the scaffolding to see a solitary old woman kneeling in a pew, praying.
Since the woman could not see him, Michelangelo decided to have a little fun, and he called out, "I am Jesus Christ, hear me!"
The woman did not look up, and continued praying. So, Michelangelo said, even louder, "I am Jesus Christ, Son of God, obey me!"
Still the woman did not budge. So, Michelangelo shouted at the top of his lungs, "I am Jesus Christ, hear my word!"
The old woman finally turned to look up, and held up her rosary, saying, "Shut up! I'm talking to your mother!"
Sister Mary and Sister Bernadette, two Irish nuns, are driving alone out in the boonies when they run out of petrol. Fortunately they can walk to a gas station not far away, where they ask to purchase a can of petrol. “I’m sorry, sister,” says the attendant, “but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamber pot.”
The nuns agree that this will be fine. They return to the car. As they are pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drives by, stops his car, and says, “Oh, sisters, if only I had your faith.”
FROM THE VAULT . . .
Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks."
The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me too. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Skoda."
The third one says, "Well, I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK . . .
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many.
GALLERY . . .
Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.
"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"
"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."
Step by step guide on how to fall down stairs:
I used to work as a programmer for auto correct.
Then they fried me for no raisin.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one! Anna two!
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is very heavy and the other is a little lighter.